It’s Not even Noon and I am ready to QUIT!!!

The day didn’t start well.  And it just got worse from there. I set an alarm for 7:45am since Big One’s worker was coming at 8am and I needed to be up. However, I shut off the alarm, and intended to get up, but the hydroxyzine is kicking my butt and making it hard for me to get up in the morning. All of a sudden a really loud horn goes off and I jump out of bed realizing it’s 2 minutes till 8.  I quickly wake up Big One and I come downstairs and I unlock the door and start the coffee pot.  I head back upstairs wake up Big One again and get dressed.  I come down and the worker comes in and Big One finally gets himself downstairs.  I eat my breakfast and I drink a cup of coffee.  The worker and I discuss feminism and current events, while Big One showered.  All of a sudden all 3 dogs come running downstairs which means Hubby is usually up, I wait a minute and he doesn’t come down.

By this point the meds mixed with breakfast have wreaked havoc with my digestive system and I need to get to the bathroom NOW.  So my plan was to go up, use the bathroom and put the dogs out, even tho it’s hubby’s job.  By the time I come downstairs (less than 5 minutes), I come into the dining room to a large dog mess on the floor, I get extremely irate because it really affects my OCD but I walk into the kitchen and find another. Half on the rug, half next to the rug.  The dogs are acting crazy (I have 2 80lb plus dogs, and a 50ish lb dog) and one dog is smashing the poop into the rug and the floor.  I am hooking them onto their leashes as quickly as possible.  Big One comes out of the bathroom himself and he’s going to take the smaller dog.

I open the door and one of the big ones gets away from me, I holler his name and he turns to look just as the other big one (the barky somewhat aggressive one) notices a girl walking to school.  He takes off as I am reaching for the leash I lost.  And all of a sudden I am pulled down three steps.  I land hands first, twisted left ankle and something hurting my right hip onto the driveway that’s decorated with chicken poop since our chickens spend most of their day in our driveway.  As you can imagine someone with germ OCD is now in full panic mode, I was angry, embarrassed, hurting, and panicking.  We get the dogs to the other side of the house (me and big one) tie 2 of them to the caribeener and they all poop again (WHAT HAVE THEY BEEN EATING???)

Of course this is the best time for the mail truck to pull into the driveway right? OF COURSE.  So Big one gets the mail, I hold off the aggressive dog as he’s ripping my arm out of the socket. When the mail truck is gone I go clean up all the poop in the house. I come out, make sure the outside poop is cleaned and we all go inside.  I go to my bedroom get undressed, crying hysterically. I threw everything in the laundry even though my undergarments didn’t touch anything, it all felt contaminated. And I showered.  I wished I had had a knife in the shower I wanted to cut so badly.  I don’t think I had wanted to that bad in a very long time.

After my shower I got dressed in outside clothes and I decide to leave the house.  Big One needed shampoo and I needed to get mother’s day cards.   So I went and did that, and then headed over to dunkin donuts.  I got a vanilla chai and I sat in their parking lot for at least 30 minutes, writing out mother’s day cards, balancing my checkbook and listening to my book on tape.  I wanted to be anywhere but home.

Finally I headed to the post office to mail the mother’s day cards and the bank to cash a check and headed home reluctantly.  I changed into inside clothes and finished balancing the checkbooks, and now am blogging this awful morning.

I feel like my life is a series of unfortunate events.  I really don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am just tired of living this life. My counselor’s homework this week opened a rabbit hole that had been closed for a couple of decades and I opened pandora’s box last night and wrote about it. It was such a defining moment in my life, that I have never talked about with any of the 5 counselors I have had, that only hubby knows about- and he doesn’t even have all the details that I am sure that’s being carried over today.

What I wrote I may share here on the blog I am not sure.  Hubby asked me if I was sure I wanted to put it all out there, but maybe the only way to be free of all the things in my past that are literally killing me is to let them out in the air, to face them head on.

I don’t know.  All I know is that today I am exhausted, that I am tired of life.  That I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is OVER.  And by this, I don’t even know what I mean.

So that’s all for this post I think I have had diarrhea of the mouth enough for now.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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