I am pretty sure I described my depression as an elephant sitting on my chest earlier in this blog. Well tonight the elephant is back.
I am sore from falling down the stairs outside yesterday which is really bothering me.
Today was a hard day counseling. We talked about things that I haven’t talked about in 23 years. We talked about the fact that I quit when counseling gets hard. That’s why I have been through 5 therapists and none of the times has counseling “ever worked”. I had to admit I am a quitter when it gets hard. It’s my avoidance.
I saw my med doctor we are going to keep the meds the same for the next week and see how it goes. Im ok with that. But I gained another 3 pounds. I now weight 239. The highest I have been nonpregnant.
The med doctor wants me to see an endocrinologist but my PCP is refusing it. I don’t understand why he’s not willing to work with her and just look into what she wants and why,
I am not sure why my depression cloud is so heavy on my heart today, but I have actually even had thoughts of being better off never waking up. I don’t really want to die, but I just don’t want to live either.
My dad and I sort of had an argument over the phone because they want to discharge him on Tuesday and he’s no way ready to go home to a split level ranch with one leg and a prothsesis. To a house full of mold, mice. His licence is permanently revoked so he has no way to get to dialysis. And I tried to talk to him about this and he got so angry with me.
I am depressed about my husband and how I just want to take all the pain away from him. It makes me so sad to look at him. I can see in his eyes how sad and in pain he is.
I want to hurt myself tonight. I have been trying to figure out how and where, my thighs have tough skin, so I know my fingernails aren’t enough. I am not sure about my keys.
But I think I am just better off just going to bed so that I can’t do anything I might regret.
I just wish I could have a good cry.