The Elephant is Back

I am pretty sure I described my depression as an elephant sitting on my chest earlier in this blog.  Well tonight the elephant is back.

I am sore from falling down the stairs outside yesterday which is really bothering me.

Today was a hard day counseling.  We talked about things that I haven’t talked about in 23 years.  We talked about the fact that I quit when counseling gets hard.  That’s why I have been through 5 therapists and none of the times has counseling “ever worked”.  I had to admit I am a quitter when it gets hard. It’s my avoidance.

I saw my med doctor we are going to keep the meds the same for the next week and see how it goes. Im ok with that. But I gained another 3 pounds.  I now weight 239.  The highest I have been nonpregnant.

The med doctor wants me to see an endocrinologist but my PCP is refusing it.  I don’t understand why he’s not willing to work with her and just look into what she wants and why,

I am not sure why my depression cloud is so heavy on my heart today, but I have actually even had thoughts of being better off never waking up. I don’t really want to die, but I just don’t want to live either.

My dad and I sort of had an argument over the phone because they want to discharge him on Tuesday and he’s no way ready to go home to a split level ranch with one leg and a prothsesis.  To a house full of mold, mice.  His licence is permanently revoked so he has no way to get to dialysis.  And I tried to talk to him about this and he got so angry with me.

I am depressed about my husband and how I just want to take all the pain away from him. It makes me so sad to look at him. I can see in his eyes how sad and in pain he is.

I want to hurt myself tonight. I have been trying to figure out how and where, my thighs have tough skin, so I know my fingernails aren’t enough. I am not sure about my keys.

But I think I am just better off just going to bed so that I can’t do anything I might regret.

I just wish I could have a good cry.

Im done.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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