I realized that today marks 5 months since I started seeing my med doctor. 5 months since I started taking meds to help manage my mental health. I’ve tried, Prozac, Effexor XR, Remeron, Prozosin, Latuda, Hydroxyzine, Valium, and I feel like I am missing some. And I honestly don’t feel like I am any better off than I was when I started with her where it comes to my depression.
I do feel like the valium is doing it’s job, and my anxiety is controlled for the most part. Sometimes I still have issues with panic attacks between doses, but I do my best to just wait it out. But my depression, I don’t feel like anything is any better. I am sad. I am withdrawing from people even more.
My nephew has a birthday party next weekend, and as much as I want to see him, I am dreading it. I am dreading people seeing me the way that I am. I am ashamed at how I look. I am bigger than I have ever been since I knew my sister’s inlaws.
Big One has a birthday party coming up in a couple weeks, and I haven’t even told anyone what day it is. And it’s only my family invited. I just can’t seem to even think about planning it. But I can’t NOT do a party for him.
I skipped the play today. I have a play to go to tomorrow, thankfully my friend is driving because I would probably skip if she wasn’t. I just don’t want to leave the house.
Hubby just texted me that Little One is being so good tonight, sitting quietly, eating and behaving. A lump formed in my throat over it, because I am not there to see it. I am not there to see it because I can’t stand the thought of leaving the house.
It makes me sad that I am missing out on life, it makes me sad that I am missing things that my kids are doing. It makes me sad that I am so ashamed of myself that I look so bad (in my own eyes) that I am ashamed to go out. I feel like people stare at me. Hubby says it’s all in my head, but who knows.
I just don’t know why my depression isn’t getting any better. I feel like I should be feeling more “happy” and Im not.
I guess I didn’t really have any revelations in this post but I just have to get some of this out because when my fingers put the words to paper I can lighten my brain load.