I just realized…..

I realized that today marks 5 months since I started seeing my med doctor.  5 months since I started taking meds to help manage my mental health.  I’ve tried, Prozac, Effexor XR, Remeron, Prozosin, Latuda, Hydroxyzine, Valium, and I feel like I am missing some. And I honestly don’t feel like I am any better off than I was when I started with her where it comes to my depression.

I do feel like the valium is doing it’s job, and my anxiety is controlled for the most part. Sometimes I still have issues with panic attacks between doses, but I do my best to just wait it out.  But my depression, I don’t feel like anything is any better. I am sad. I am withdrawing from people even more.

My nephew has a birthday party next weekend, and as much as I want to see him, I am dreading it. I am dreading people seeing me the way that I am.  I am ashamed at how I look.  I am bigger than I have ever been since I knew my sister’s inlaws.

Big One has a birthday party coming up in a couple weeks, and I haven’t even told anyone what day it is.  And it’s only my family invited.  I just can’t seem to even think about planning it. But I can’t NOT do a party for him.

I skipped the play today.  I have a play to go to tomorrow, thankfully my friend is driving because I would probably skip if she wasn’t.  I just don’t want to leave the house.

Hubby just texted me that Little One is being so good tonight, sitting quietly, eating and behaving.  A lump formed in my throat over it, because I am not there to see it.  I am not there to see it because I can’t stand the thought of leaving the house.

It makes me sad that I am missing out on life, it makes me sad that I am missing things that my kids are doing.  It makes me sad that I am so ashamed of myself that I look so bad (in my own eyes) that I am ashamed to go out.  I feel like people stare at me.  Hubby says it’s all in my head, but who knows.

I just don’t know why my depression isn’t getting any better.  I feel like I should be feeling more “happy” and Im not.

I guess I didn’t really have any revelations in this post but I just have to get some of this out because when my fingers put the words to paper I can lighten my brain load.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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