I wasn’t feeling much like doing anything today. I was supposed to take the kids to a play but I couldn’t muster the strength to shower, get ready, get the kids ready drive an hour, stay for the play and drive an hour home. I just couldn’t even start with step 1. So I texted a friend about not going, and she offered to take little one (this isn’t a play big one would enjoy anyway). I was ever so grateful. She’s the kind of mom I want to be when I grow up. On my way to dropping little one off I saw hubby, on his way home from the neurologist. I called him and reminded to grab a tool he needs to lend to a friend, he was already there.
After I dropped little one off I stopped at the shop to see him, and my heart broke. Just walking around in there, all his tools where he left them. His desk still covered with notes and numbers. Sure I know I still have him, I know he’s not gone. But looking over this scene all I could see were broken dreams in each corner. Each wrench represented a hope, each piece of equipment a dream. Does all this sound dramatic. It’s not. He started this business, with $1000 of our own money and nothing else. No business loan, no help. Just him and I and a dream. He worked for 2 years, building a strong customer base, a great word of mouth advertising network, and an impeccable, reputation. At almost 40 neither of us have any retirement saved- no 401K, no IRA, not even so much as a savings account.
We intended to grow this business bigger, to hire an employee or two, letting hubby handle the day to day running and the employees handling the hard labor. Hubby being able to do the jobs he wanted to and was capable of as he aged. This business was going to be our retirement.
As I stood in the middle of the shop my heart broke into pieces. I felt a lump form in my throat. I wanted to cry. Not for me, but for him. I mean sure I am sad for me, but my husband was the one who worked literally till his back was broken and by doing that he lost his dreams. All the work he put in. I just wanted to cry for him. I put my hand on his arm, and said I’ll meet you at home.
I wish I could make it better for him. I wish I could make it better for us. But all I can do is tell him I love him, and that despite everything he knows, he had a successful business and no one can take that from him.
I’ve been really emotional the past couple of days. A lot of crying, a lot of sadness. Everything seems to be hitting me at once. I don’t know why but sometimes the pain is unbearable.