Ever since my husband admitted he is depressed and started an antidepressant and a sleeping pill, he has been much more understanding of what I am going through. He understands what I mean when I say “I don’t want to die, but if the world ended today I wouldn’t really care”. He understands how hard it is most days to put one foot in front of the other. He understands the just overwhelming exhaustion that the depression brings.
If I had to be honest I don’t think any of the anti depressants are working yet. I don’t feel any better than I did before I started. The only thing under control is my anxiety and only when I have valium on board. My last dose was at 5pm and I am sitting here with hand tremors, agitation and irritability. Big One and Little One are not getting ready for bed, and I can’t do anything about it because I am going to scream at them, and they don’t deserve that. They are kids, being kids, dawdling as they do. Though Big One just passed me as I was writing that and he’s ready for bed.
My father called me tonight. The first time since Friday (Friday I ignored his call) because he was so rude and obnoxious to me Thursday night when I expressed my concerns about him leaving the rehab hospital. I feel if he’s discharged he’s going home to die. And as awful as it sounds part of me will feel relief when he finally goes. He won’t be able to hurt me anymore. And maybe someday I can get rid of the ghosts of him from my childhood and be free.
At counseling on Thursday PollyAnna asked me if I am ready to stop running from everything. I got extremely wiggly and uncomfortable, and I asked her “can’t I keep running and everything else just stay there?” She really wants me to stop, turn around and fight the demons of my past and my present. She wants freedom for me, and I think I do too, but I am not sure if the cost to myself is too high. I am not sure if I am strong enough to do this. But today I choose not to quit. I will go to sleep, and wake up and get through the day again tomorrow. And hopefully not quit tomorrow. I can only commit to one day at a time.
I just wish I could come here one day, and say everything is awesome, and life is great, and everything is just as it should be but I feel like, I never will. I feel like this is as good as it will ever be, and that’s a bleak bleak outlook.
Im sad today. For no particular reason Im just sad.