It was the CALM before the storm…

I wrote earlier about my day being “eh”.  But starting at dinner I was feeling a little twitchy.  I thought it was because my daughter kept rubbing up against my arm and it was my “don’t touch me without permission OCD”.  However, after I posted my blog I went upstairs and was folding the 5 baskets of laundry that had built up, it had to be done.

While I was I was folding the laundry my skin was crawling.  I felt like the outside was all over me.  It’s hard to explain what that means.  What I did outside today was hang out 2 loads of laundry on my clothes line, and I spent about an hour to an hour and a half sitting outside on our front porch in the new patio chairs I got for Mother’s Day.  I thought I was doing the right thing, I was “getting some outside time”, and getting some “sun”.  But the longer I folded laundry the more creepy crawly I felt.  I felt like there was bugs on me, I felt like I was covered with dust and dirt.  I don’t know where this OCD came from, I don’t know why all of a sudden this new rule was made.  I know I feel crazy.

So as soon as the laundry was done, I figured I would help hubby out and empty all the trash cans, and clean the 2 catboxes because I would have to shower anyway.  There was no way I would ever have made it through the night without a shower, I just was feeling worse and worse about the “outside” being on me.  I started sweating, I was literally sopping wet, my face got all red, my heart was racing, and I was shaking like crazy.  I literally having a panic attack.

Unfortunately, hubby didn’t understand this as much as he has the depression and anxiety.  He doesn’t understand that I can’t possibly control this, that I don’t even know why, how or where it came from.  I wish I did.  I wish it were as easy as saying this is crazy, stop, and it be all over. But it can’t.

I really and truly hope I am not the only one with this OCD and not the only one who makes up new rules for no apparent reason.

On top of it all I was trying to move around in our already crowded bedroom with all the laundry having the panic attack and I knocked my husbands pill container off the dresser and all his pills got messed up.  He wasn’t happy with me, there are a lot of supplements and medication in there and it wasn’t easy for him rearrange it all because it seemed to have jumped from days to another day. I just suck. I can’t do anything right. This one of the many reasons I hate myself.

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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