Today sucked. I could just leave this post at that, but I am going to elaborate as I always do.
Woke up this morning having to rush around to get the kids ready for their medication management appointment and we had to leave earlier than usual because hubby and
I both had to see the chiropractor first. The best part of the day was her adjusting my neck, because for a couple of hours the muscles in my neck and shoulders (where I keep all my stress) has relief.
At the medication management appointment Big One was good, he is doing well. No med changes and while he’s in a somewhat manic phase it’s survivable for us all. Good news in my book.
Little one on the other hand, the Ritalin is perfect for her, but she’s not sleeping. We put her to bed between 8 and 9 and there are nights she’s still up at 11pm when we go to bed, she draws, she looks at books, she plays with her toys, she cuts off her eyelashes (yes she actually did that!!! “as an experiment Mama”). So they prescribed her Clonidine. She’s not getting enough sleep, and she is just too hyper to lay down to fall asleep. But I feel like it’s my fault. I have no idea why. Ever since she was little she had a set bedtime of 7:30-8pm and she was really good about going to bed until about 1 year ago. Now she just won’t sleep. I am not sure how I feel about it, especially reading about the med, but I trust this doctor, we have been seeing her for years, and I feel like
I was sad all day. Hubby asked me what my problem was (didn’t phrase it that way), but basically – and I told him I had no idea. That when I am feeling a certain way there isn’t always a discernible reason. That my feelings come and they are what they are. Today I just feel like I am in a pit again. When I am like this, it’s like I always have a lump in my throat, and a ball in my stomach upsetting it. And I fly off the handle at the littlest thing. I felt so bad but I yelled at Big One today for a small offense. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world, I don’t like who I am, but I am working so hard to get better, but I don’t feel better. At all.
No new OCD rules today at least. Just my normal ones- and the new one from yesterday. So that’s a plus right?
I see both Pollyanna and my med doctor tomorrow. I feel like my med doctor is going to tell me that I am a problem patient because it’s been 5 months and my depression is not any better. And I am nervous about what Pollyanna is going to want to talk about, and what she is going to make me do for homework. Anxiety sucks, my brain can’t stop. Ever.