Its been a day full of desperate anxiety!

I slept fitfully last night, after about 3am I couldn’t sleep and I just tossed and turned until just before 7am when I decided to get up because it wasn’t any use.

I spent all day being anxious. I am not sure if it was the decrease in the Effexor XR (they are weaning me off that to get me onto Luvox- probably because the Effexor doesn’t seem to be working,  plus- my OCD is getting worse.)  Luvox is the only SSRI FDA approved for OCD.  Plus it helps with binge eating, depression and anxiety.  I haven’t started it yet, I need to get down to 75mg of Effexor first. Plus she wants me taking the Latuda in the evening instead of the morning. And of course last night I forgot to take it with the 350 calories I am supposed to. I only at a grilled hamburger patty with no bun and nothing else the rest of the night.

Today after I got up and ate breakfast, and I could barely keep my eyes open so I napped on and off till I had to leave to go to my orthopedic consult.  This is like the 4th or 5th opinion.  All the doctors but one have told me I have a tear in the cartilage in my hip but the surgeon I saw last year wouldn’t operate for some reason probably because I am on medicaid.  So I finally got another consult did PT and then when that didn’t work I saw the sports medicine doctor again and he sent me to this ortho doc.  He said it’s clear to him there’s a tear in the labrum via the MRI, and that with all the hoops I have jumped through with cortisone shots and PT that surgery would be the only way to fix it but first he needed to make sure I had no arthritis because if any had developed they wouldn’t be able to do the surgery. So he did a couple XRays.  Thankfully no arthritis, but I do have a bone spur starting on the bottom of my hip.  This is the 3rd spur I have had diagnosed in the past 60 days. 2 on the disks of my back and now on my hip.  So he’s sending me to the surgeon. So I have to go to the biggest city in the state on Monday to meet the surgeon.  He can’t guarantee he will offer me surgery but he will let him know his opinion.  At this point I don’t even care.  Lets just make a decision and I will either live with the pain, the limp and the inability to do anything physical or do the surgery and hopefully that part of my life with improve. I was a nervous wreck before the appointment and in the exam room. The ride home wasn’t much better.

Once I got home, I needed to get our stuff packed for our trip to my nephew’s birthday and immediately I started freaking out.  Trying to make sure I had everything I would possibly need, I can’t leave the house until I know that I am not missing anything.  I have been so panicked that I can barely function.  I think I have everything packed.  Big One is getting dropped off at his grandmother’s for the week so I had to make sure that was all packed too. I am seriously going to have a breakdown tomorrow.  And I have to drive both ways because of hubby’s back.  He has to lay down the entire 3-4 hour drive. So also with my anxiety I have to drive all the way.

This weekend is really trying every bit of sanity I have left.  If I survive until Sunday I think I will end up sleeping all day.

Thursday I have to go have an EMG done at the neurologist to test me for carpal tunnel. And Tuesday counseling.  It’s going to be such a long week. I don’t know how I am going to make it through.

Well anyway, that’s my day in a nutshell. It was a day full of crazy. And tomorrow is going to be another day full of anxiety. Pray I make it through.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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