I have a love/hate relationship with crying….

I met with Pollyanna this morning, I was 15 minutes late, which has thrown off my entire day and I have been extremely anxious ever since. I can’t handle it.  I feel like my entire body is buzzing, my heart is racing and my mind is on overdrive.  Being late does things like that to me.

She wasn’t too hard on me today, although I do have to buy milk at the gas station where we got the bad gallon every other time we buy milk…. I wasn’t too happy about that, my stomach has been upset ever since she said that.  The taste of sour milk never leaves you.

I have messed up my meds somehow too.  Taking morning ones at night and nighttime ones in the morning. I blame my lack of sleep.  I am NOT sleeping well, and last night little one came in and slept at the foot of our bed, but then her cat wanted in too so I ended up having to leave our bed bring the cat downstairs and sleep on the couch.  So tonight I will be doubling up on Latuda and Luvox.  We will see what happens. Thankfully I won’t have to go anywhere tomorrow, today was an insanely long day so I need to have a day at home. I need SLEEP.  Little One better stay in her bed tonight.

Anyway back to why I mentioned crying.  As I have mentioned, I went years without crying until the night I had my breakdown. And then I cried a lot, quite often. And then for a while I stopped crying again and I was angry, irritable, indifferent and sad but I wouldn’t cry.  However, today, after I met with Pollyanna I had to meet with the nurse for an update to my treatment plan, when she asked me for good qualities of myself, the last time I was actually able to name some, this time, I couldn’t.  It took me a while to say that I love my children, and I would give my life for them, and that I have a strong marriage.  But none of them are actually MY good qualities.  She asked me, “are you a good mother?” I told her that people tell me that I am but I don’t believe them.  That I hate myself. That I am not the mother I want to be because of my mental illnesses and I started crying. I looked at her, I said Pollyanna didn’t make me cry but you did? I can’t imagine why!  Then a few minutes later, I noticed the lilac bush outside her window and I mentioned she gets to look at the lilacs all day.  I love lilacs, and I mentioned the only thing I miss about the house that we are losing to foreclosure is my bushes.  I had a white lilac, a light purple lilac, a forsythia, a burning bush, and my favorite, the most beautiful dark purple lilac bush I have ever seen in my life.  And the thought of that made me burst into tears,  We drove by it yesterday and I got out of the car and took a sprig. But unfortunately they weren’t quite ready so the wonderful smell wasn’t there, a couple more days and it will look wonderful.

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When we lost our home to foreclosure (well it’s still in the process and has been since 2014) nothing bothered me about it.  We were more than upside down on the house, by like 50K, my husband had been sick for over a year, and the bank had lied over and over about giving us a modification.  By the time the bank told us to move out, I had had enough and I was ready to just walk away.  We moved to a nicer house, with a ton more land, that we will be able to have fully paid off within 5 years from now, thanks to my very generous inlaws.   However, I didn’t realize that I would miss my bushes.  I have some beautiful bushes and plants here, but nothing like the lilac bushes I had there. I transplanted my blueberry bushes from there to here, and I took one my smaller light colored lilacs and tried to transplant some of the white lilacs, but the white didn’t take, and there was nothing I could do about the dark lilacs.

I look at the pictures above, and I feel sad.  It’s the only thing that has made me sad about losing that house.  It didn’t get to me that it was the first house we owned.  It didn’t make me upset that we brought our little one home to that house, it didn’t bother me all the memories that we made there.  It’s the stupid bushes.

I have a lump in my throat looking at those gorgeous photos, why those? Why not the memories, or anything else? It’s the damn flowers.  That’s something I am going to have to think on some more…..

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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