I am not sure I have never been able to type a title like that since starting this blog.
Today was hard, I had to drive 1.5 hours each way to get to the Orthopedic Surgeon, which we all know is stressful for me. The drive wasn’t bad hubby and I had some weird conversations on the way to the doctor. About different actors we like, how old they are compared to us, what we like about them etc. But it was a nice conversation that wasn’t interrupted by a child every 30 seconds. I was lucky enough that a very close friend of mine was willing to watch Little One for me. Little One was over the moon and I was able to go to the appointment without worrying about her being able to sit still for the ride and the appointment.
I was depressed and a ball of nerves as well as extremely anxious the entire ride, but the conversation was a nice distraction. When we got to the doctor’s office I texted my friend who had little one and asked her if hubby and I died in an accident on the way home if she would take our kids. My anxiety was so high that I was thinking of every bad scenario that could possibly happen at all all day. She said if I was serious she would have to talk to her husband first…. I told her that it was just for today, but that it might be a conversation that we would be having in the future. This is something that hubby and I have been talking a lot about. We don’t have anything set up for who would take our children if something were to happen to us. When it was just Big One it was going to be my sister, but now that there are two of them, now that she has a little one of her own, things change. My father is out of the question even if he weren’t half in the grave, my in laws are too old, and it wouldn’t be fair for the children to lose so much in a short period of time. I did ask my mother, purely out of respect, not that I really wanted her to take them, and I fully expected her to say no. She said she couldn’t take both. I refuse to split them up. My brother isn’t really a viable option at the time, plus I would really like to keep them in the area where they live now. So I have 2 friends in mind, I have obviously now broached it to one of the two friends, and felt her out a little, now I need to broach it with the other and see her feelings. Once that’s done I will write something up and have it notarized. This is something I want done before I turn 40….. anyway I digress about today…
So I was totally was anxious and sitting in the waiting room I had more thoughts than you can possibly imagine running through my head. But the one thing that I had decided was that whatever the doctor said today was what I was going to do. If he said PT I would do PT again, if he said live with it I would live with it, but if he offered surgery I would take that option as well.
When they finally called my name they brought hubby and I into a room, asked a couple questions, pulled up my MRI and X-rays. The doctor came in and right away I liked him. There was something about his manner, the way he said hello, I am not sure what it was but I liked him. He checked out my hips, looked at X-rays and the MRI and then he heard the words I wanted to hear so much. That I had jumped through every non-surgical hoop there was, and that surgery was the best way to go. I almost cried. The thought of living without constant pain. They aren’t 100% sure what they will find when they go in there, but the things they may do are- shave the bone to reshape it, repair the labrum and he thinks that also lengthening the psoas tendon (soaz) to help with the snapping and popping that I feel when I move my legs. He also suggested that I do not do HIIT workouts anymore, even after I recover fully, because my hips just aren’t made for it. It makes sense for me to think about my bones at this age anyway because I have major bone issues in my immediate family. So when I am recovered, and mentally healthy enough I will start slow with walking and work up to more low impact workouts like spin class (which I used to love), and Les Mills BodyVive and maybe even some yoga. As much as I love pilates I think that was one of the workouts that aided in my injury. Same with running. When I used to run, I felt free. There was a release, but I used to get so much pain in my hips. So as I am middle aged now I need to act my age 😉 I am so looking forward to the surgery. Sitting here in bed typing this my hip is throbbing and I am getting pain running down my leg.
Another thing that happened at the ortho today was when he was getting ready to leave the room he asked my husband if his back was bothering him, he explained that he has a disk herniation with the dimensions of 15mmx12mmx9mm, and that the doctors he has seen said there was no treatment… the look the doctor gave him, made hubby ask him “do you think I should be seen here too?” and the doctor told him it couldn’t hurt and our spine guy is great. So hubby is going to get a referral, if they tell him the same thing then we have nothing to lose and if he can help him we have everything to gain. I left the office feeling lighter than I had in months. Everything wasn’t perfect, I didn’t walk out healed of all my mental health issues, but for the first time in a long time I had something I hadn’t had in forever- hope that something might actually go right.
After the appointment we went to Uno’s for lunch and then to Trader Joe’s to pick up some necessities. Then we picked up Little One. Then we headed to Walmart, and finally HOME. I took my shower and got all the contamination off of me. I laid on the couch for a few minutes and next thing I knew it was 8:30. I was exhausted. Whenever I leave the house, no matter what it is for, no matter for how long I am completely worn out.
Tomorrow is counseling. And I actually have a couple of good entries in my Pollyanna journal. I do need to get a note over to Mary Poppins though because I am not sleeping and I don’t know how long I can do this.
But anyway despite the anxiety, the travel, and the uncertainty at first, today was a good day. And that’s a win.