Something I didn’t share with you yesterday….

We have been looking at getting a “new to me” car for me for months. I drive an OLD BEAT UP RUST BUCKET 1998 Jeep Cherokee.  It backfires, sputters, and I pray it will make it up the hills when I put the pedal to the floor.

Some things we knew- we couldn’t get anything with payments.  We tried that when hubby worked at the dealership.  We had a beautiful 2011 car.  When hubby got laid off while he was sick we kept up the payments, when he was out of work, we kept up the payments, but after he started the business, and we had poured the last of our savings into that, we couldn’t keep up anymore. And we did a voluntary repossession.  We were incredibly lucky that our car was actually worth about $40 more than we owed on it and we actually got a check for $40 back (WHAT?).  But the unfortunate part is that the car went back to the original dealership and thereby hubby’s old boss.  Bridge burned there.  In fact that is probably the only bridge we have ever really burned in our entire adult life. Hubby feels extraordinarily bad about it, and I do too, but I also know we couldn’t keep up the payments.  The shop wasn’t making the money it needed to yet, and never really had the chance to, and we were/are just barely scraping by.

We also knew we wanted something bigger than a jeep.  We have a teenager and a 6 year old.  They want to bring friends places with us.  They don’t do well sitting 2 inches apart from each other, And we have big dogs, if we want to bring them anywhere with us we have to take 2 vehicles.

So hubby has been looking on Facebook for a good deal on a minivan, subburban, yukon, etc.  And Monday night found a screaming deal, and what’s even better is we talked the guy down $400 more. We had put away some of our tax return money, and we had a little more that we had squirreled away here and there so we aren’t broke and we paid cash.

We ended up getting a 2004 Yukon.  It needs a little rust work, and a plate light, nothing much, so like I said screaming DEAL. God was watching out for us on this one that’s for sure. car

That’s one thing checked off my boxes of things to do to get my life straightened out before I am 40.  I am tired of my life.  I need to change the things I can, and the things I can’t that’s what the meds and the therapy is for.

Today has been a rough day.  I wasnt’ supposed to go anywhere today but we ended up needing to go to the pharmacy, to get corn for the chickens and a couple other things. I also spent most of the afternoon closing the books for the shop and getting the last of the paperwork together for hubby’s SSDI/SSI application. Talk about fun and depressing.  It’s so hard to believe that at 38 my husband is permanently disabled.

When I sit and think about my life it’s not at all how I imagined it to be.

What I imagined for an almost 40 year old me- at least 4 kids, to be financially comfortable, drive semi-new cars, have our own home, hubby to have a successful career that fulfilled him, I wavered back and forth between imagining me as a teacher and a stay at home mom, but I missed my mom so much I know I would never have went to work after I had kids, but I would have had a bachelor’s degree.

What my life looks like: 2 kids, 7 years apart because of infertility on both our sides, living hand to mouth dependent on the state because my husband is permanently disabled. A disabled child.  Another with ADHD, living in a home our inlaws bought and paid for (we are paying them back) because we lost our first one to foreclosure when hubby got sick.  No retirement savings, no college savings for the kids, no degree for me.

Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t all bad. I am so very thankful for the children I have.  I couldn’t ask for a better husband, our marriage has been through hell and back again numerous times and we come out stronger every time. I have God, and I don’t know know if I hadn’t hit rock bottom with the school department because of my disabled child if I wold have found God and been saved.  I have a church home, full of people who love us, despite our circumstances. We  have people I could call and ask for help and they would drop everything and help us. I have a couple of very close friends that I know would bail me out of jail if I needed it 😉 and a sister and brother who would help me hide the body. I had a much better relationship with my mother.  That never would have happened if I hadn’t realized I put unreasonable expectations on relationships based on what I think someone should be like.  And once I learned to let her love me her way, we found our way.

Anyway I wanted to end on a positive note tonight, even though I am feeling a little sad tonight.

Up tomorrow- EMG to look for carpal tunnel and hopefully schedule surgery for that.  Did I mention my hip surgery is in a mere 15 sleeps?

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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