I’m so exhausted. Today after driving hubby to his eye doctor appointment (he has his eyes dilated so he needs a driver) and running to walmart for last minute things for Big One’s Birthday I showered and I laid down on the couch to listen to a podcast, and 19 minutes into it I was snoring. I slept through my husband vacuuming until he vacuumed right next to my head LOL.
This week has just been too much for someone with depression. So what’s been having I have been stuffing the depression down, and the anxiety is bubbling up all around the depression plug in my emotions. I picture a tube where I have all my emotions, and there is a cork in them I open the cork and then stuff down my emotions. But when I stuff the depression down the cork doesn’t fit, so the depression acts as a cork but it allows the anxiety, the OCD and the PTSD leaks out around the depression.
I am actually looking forward to my hip surgery on the 8th, because that will require that I slow down and I get to take some time to let myself start
wallowing in my self-pity rest again.
However, I am proud of myself. I was going to buy Big One a cake, then hubby said he and little one would bake him one. But I got out of my head long enough to make my from scratch cake. I felt like if I hadn’t done that I might have felt even more depressed if I hadn’t done that for him.
Tomorrow, I have my whole family (minus dad of course) coming to my house to celebrate Big One’s Birthday. I am so incredibly anxious about it. There is so many messed up dynamics and messed up relationships that when everyone is together it’s like there is little cliques even though there are only 15 people. I get so anxious trying to run from clique to clique keeping everyone happy all the time, which is an impossible task. I can imagine that tomorrow night I am going to be exhausted. And tomorrow morning as I prepare I am going to be anxious, irritable and grumpy.
I guess that’s it for today. I am trying to figure out my new Garmin GPS and how to update the maps. And it’s just about time to get the cake out of the oven. Today it’s a win. I baked a cake.