Why is midnight my witching hour? Midnight my brain goes into overdrive. And all these things that I don't have time to think about all day I start thinking about.
Tonight is the night I stop blurring my face. I am going to expose my face to the blog world. My real name I still am holding back on, but maybe some of you have been reading and thought you knew me, and you were right. Other's you may have wondered what I look like. Well tonight, you get to see me, in all different shapes and sizes.
It started after we finished The Blacklist, I put on my 600lb life, I barely had started watching it, when I paused it. My sister in law asked me yesterday why I watch it. The best answer I could give her was that I liked to watch their transformation. Some of them are at their lowest point physically and emotionally, and you see a transformation inside and out. Others you see no transformation, because the truth is they aren't ready to change. And then there are those who transform their outside and not their insides. And those are the people I relate to the most. The ones who look different on the outside but their insides are the same.
As I have mentioned I have struggled with my weight my entire life. But focusing just on the last 4 years I have gone from 235, to 147, to 195 to 156, and now I am 240ish pounds (it's been a couple weeks since I have been weighed and I am packing on pounds like there is not tomorrow. I do have denial as to how much I eat, but I honestly and truly do not eat enough to be gaining the amount of weight I am gaining.
When I lost weight from 235-147 I counted calories. I weighed, measured, and portion controlled everything I ate. I was a runner. I started with the couch to 5K program, and then started competing in 5K races. My best time was November 23, 2013 I believe I did the 5K in just under 35 minutes. That day I was skinny. I was in shape. People noticed me. But I still wasn't happy. I had transformed my outside, but not my inside.
Im going to show you transformations in my outsides – you have seen my insides the past couple months. I am depressed, angry, sad, and broken. And in every one of these pictures the inside was exactly the same. I hated myself at my skinniest and my fattest.
These were me, 5/2012 and 6/2012, around 235lbs, before I decided to make a change. That day happened on January 2, 2013
These were me 7-8 months into my journey. In the pic on the right I am wearing size 4 pants and a small shirt.
At my thinnest 11/2013 147. The day I had my best 5K time. I thought I was fat, and still had a ways to go (even though my goal weight was 135) there were still problem areas, skin that hung etc. I still didn't like me.
Then my husband got sick. We thought cancer, lyme disease we didn't know. He lost his job and I returned to old habits.
And here I was July 2014, back around 180/190. I got to 195 according to my doctor's scale. In August 2015 I decided to try something new. Beachbody 21 Day fix. It yielded results and quickly
This was just 3 months into the program, The top was round 2 (after completing 2 rounds, and the bottom after completing 3). The pic on the bottom right was my favorite, no back rolls, toned legs….
And just before I fell off the wagon again- me in Dec 2015 157 pounds. I look at that pic and can't even imagine seeing that waist. I can remember bounding up my stairs, not out of breath.
This is one of the last pics I have of myself, taken May 6th this year. I am approximately 240 pounds.
As you can see I have seen a fluctuation of 100lbs up and down up and down. And the only thing the girl in all those pictures has is a fake smile with the pain behind it, that girl hates herself in every picture. She believes herself to be worthless.
I cried a great deal tonight with hubby, because I don't know what to do. I feel like it's all or nothing. Either I eat what I want and live in a body I feel trapped in, or I eat like food is nothing more than gasoline with no enjoyment and I look like I did before. Neither place is happy. I feel like there is no middle ground. I am an addict. How do you tell an addict moderation is key? Only have 1 shot, 1 hit, 1 small scoop of ice cream? You can't.
Im stuck. Now, hubby would say I am remiss to mention that between the Dec 2015 pic and the pic of today I had a massive hip injury that I will finally be getting surgically fixed in a couple weeks, which should allow me a more active lifestyle again… but in order to WANT that lifestyle the depression has to subside, and I see no end in sight for that… so again I am stuck. There I am world, vulnerable, and real.
I know this entire post seems rather bleak. It seems self pitying. It seems negative. But it's how I feel tonight. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel like I am worth nothing. And part of that comes from an intrusive PTSD memory I had tonight. But it being almost 1:30am eastern time it's time for me to sign off. So tomorrow I will tell you the story of the zero. The fool.
** I DO NOT exaggerate on how I feel about myself. When I am say I am ugly, or hate myself I believe it. I ask for no platitudes or disagreements. No matter how many times hubby has said I am beautiful to him- I don't believe and I don't know if I ever will.***