Last night, one of my blogs was done with speech to text because like right now my hands were so numb it was painful. Anyway, I don’t remember which word it was but Siri assumed I said “zero”. For some reason, that triggers a memory I hadn’t had in a LONG time. Probably decades. My dad’s “nickname” for me was Zero
And he would actually use his fingers and thumb to make the zero sign when referring to me. And when I wasn’t Zero I was “Fool”
That up there is exactly what I pictured every time he called me “fool”. He didn’t just do it when he was angry with me, he did it all the time. I still don’t understand how they could be misconstrued as terms of endearment, they weren’t. They hurt, and now that I remember them, in a place other than my subconscious they hurt again.
Something else I remembered last night when I remembered this is whenever I would make a mistake, or do something dumb he would break out into song and dance:
It didn’t matter if it was a small mistake, or a colossal error like leaving a toy in the wrong space. My brother reminded me that we went to friendlys in our Jammies one night and I’m accidentally spilled my ice cream, and he said “I wish you’d take a walk for me down the yellow brick road”. It’s no wonder I have an insane fear of getting an answer wrong, doing something wrong, or upsetting someone. If I can ask you to, close your eyes, imagine yourself as a small child, and you had the audacity to answer a question wrong. Then press play on the video above. Now all of a sudden imagine you as a child, sitting there and your father breaking out into song and dance instead of the scare crow. Really listen to the words the scarecrow says, imagine he’s singing about your… Imagine that your name was no longer princess, sweetie, buddy, it was zero or fool. Imagine the person you would become. That’s me. No self worth, no self love, feeling like no one should love a fool.
I think of all the things in my head right now, PTSD is the hardest to control. I can’t help it when I memory surfaces. When something you had no recollection of suddenly intrudes into your brain and you can’t get it out. There are a couple more I have had in the past couple days, that I will get around to sharing but for today, I am sad enough
wallowing remembering this…..