It’s Over.

The moving is done, the shop is empty except a couple things he has to go back and get tomorrow.  All he’s said to me so far is that it finally hit him- emotionally.  But that’s all it took, thankfully I ran some errands and I spent the entire time crying the shoulder heaving cries.  Not for me, but for him.  For him, for his loss. I texted his best friend from high school and asked him to give him a call in a couple days.  Knowing my husband he needs a few days of quiet… not that he will get that in this house. But a bunch of people descending on him is NOT what he would want.

I cried buckets and buckets on my errands, I could barely see through the tears as I was driving. I wish there was something I could do to help him. But there isn’t – he has to deal with it his own way.

And I know this should be about him, but as his wife, as his partner, and as the person sharing his life, hopes and dreams I too feel the loss. I feel the weight of an elephant on me. It’s like my depression hit another low. This picture was posted in one of my support groups on Facebook, and it hit my heart straight through.


The only place I know like that is Heaven, and though I am homesick for it I’m certainly not ready to go there…

Day 2- No nap FAIL. Back to day 1- Wait did I even make it to day 2? Plus an official ending.

First thing this morning I was already exhausted, I fell asleep not long after I took my valium I think that I figured out that avoidance isn’t the only reason that I sleep, I think the valium is causing me to be tired. But since Valium is the only med Mary Poppins has given me so far that’s done anything I am not stopping that anytime soon.

Mary Poppins nurse just got off the off the phone with me and we are going to try an anticonvulsant – Trileptal.  I sure hope I am not allergic to it the way Big One is.  But I really hope it makes me sleepy at night and makes me feel better too, since she says that it can augment the antidepressant.

Im sore today too, I think I have been up walking too much.  I need to lie back and ice my hip but I will fall asleep for sure- it’s been a little while since I took the valium and I can feel my eyelids getting heavy.

The elephant in the room though is that today is the day hubby officially moves out of his business– it’s done.  He says he’s ready but I think I’m not.  Not that I want him to go back to work- it’s that it’s another dead dream. He worked so hard to build it up and all the equipment, tools and his signs will come down and he will be officially done.  I am extremely grateful for all the people from church who are helping- many hands make light work, and with hubby back he couldn’t move it all himself anyway. I’ll be glad when today is over. Then the book is closed and we don’t have to think about it anymore. When I take my kids to karate I won’t have to see his signs, or his empty shop still filled with his stuff- right where he left it.

And to top it off my fingers are so numb I can’t even feel the keys I am hitting as I type this.  I can’t wait until my surgery for that. But that means more recovery.  But hopefully I will get back my feeling and be able to do the things I used to love to.

My eyelids need toothpicks.  Im going to close them a few minutes…

Until next time….

Day 1 of no naps- FAIL

Shortly after my last post while watching Harry Potter, I drifted off to sleep.  I slept less than 15 minutes, but still a FAIL. I can’t even follow the directions for one stupid day.

I ordered Chinese for supper because hubby was packing up his shop and I can’t stand long enough to cook, but also in true “me” style how was I going to walk from the car to the take out place with my walker and back with the paper bag. Dummy.  So my decision? Go without my walker, my crutches and I couldn’t use my wheelchair they don’t have a wheelchair accessible entrance.  So I walked.  And of course there was no parking right out front so I had to park a little ways away and walk.  I must’ve looked drunk trying to hobble to the restaurant and back. Ah well.  We had dinner and it’s almost bedtime. I for one can’t wait for today and tomorrow to be OVER.

No Nap Day 1

It’s almost 5pm and I haven’t napped yet.  But I had back to back appointments today, first a follow up from my sprained ankle (which they referred me to physical therapy with – I’ll be giving there I swear).  Then I went to physical therapy for my hip.  She had me on the bike for 8 minutes and worked me hard, and no massage today 😦 BOO! HISS!

Then I came home and ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Then did some fun stuff like balanced the checkbooks, paid some bills, figured out which bills I am going to consolidate, which I am going to pay off and which I am going to just keep carrying a balance on. Giving my brain something to do helps me not sleep, but I if I got off the computer, and sat in my recliner I would fall asleep in 2 seconds.

My son has done nothing but play on the computer all day, he’s only supposed to have 2 hours, but he won’t get off.  And I don’t have the energy to fight him. I just want to sleep.  It’s so hard, and unfair, to take away my naps. I know I sound like a big ole baby, but it just feels like it’s all I have.

Tomorrow may be different, I am thinking that I am staying in bed. It’s the day hubby leaves the shop.  There will be people here, helping him, I don’t think they will be coming in the house but I really don’t want to face anyone, I am depressed, I look like crap and honestly tomorrow is going to kill me. I am so upset about the business closing. But I have hashed this over before.

I hope we hear about hubby’s disability soon.  It will be nice to know that our finances are all set.  Though since my disability coming through things look a little brighter. Though we will never not be at the mercy of those in the government that decide our fates.

This is certainly not the way I thought my life would go.  I never thought at 39 I would be legally declared disabled, and collecting a check because of my mental health status.  I never thought I would HAVE a bad mental health status. But yet here we are.

I imagined I would be happy, I imagined hikes, beach trips, vacations. But instead it’s doctor appointments for all 4 of us, (we haven’t talked much about some new stuff popping up with Little One), depression, and hubby and I not having the motivation to do “fun stuff”.  This summer I am not going to be able to take the kids anywhere because of my hip. Hopefully, once this business with the shop is over he will be able to relax and enjoy his life a little, but I don’t know overtime we get comfortable we get upended on our butts.

And to top it off I have this very bad pain in my lower left side when I breath in, right above my hip.

Well off to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 if I can stay awake……

Until next time…

Bedtime = Racing thoughts

Why is it that every night when it’s time for me to go to bed my brain turns on and won’t shut off and the thoughts hurdle down a track like a racing train. Tonight I’m thinking about my daughter, as she ages and the wisdom I’d like to impart on her that was not imparted to me. I’d like to let her know that she can come to me with anything, even if she thinks I wouldn’t understand; because honestly I probably would. I probably went through the same thing myself. I want to tell her that people are going to say things about her brain or her body or her looks and that she needs to remember- The truth of who she is and who loves her and who matters. All these things I wish were said to me long ago, and maybe the stink of the sponge wouldn’t be so rank in my life as I get close to my 40s.

Just thoughts I have at 12:30am…

Until next time…

A Little “Light”er Post

I was reading an article about the most highlighted quotes in the Harry Potter books, including The Cursed Child. It was a great article and so many of the quotes are ones that I would have highlighted too, had I read the books on my Kindle….

The Harry Potter books have so much wisdom in them.  I know they are meant to be fun, meant to entertain but at times they make you think. Below is the list posted from the article http://ew.com/books/2017/06/26/harry-potter-series-kindle-highlights/?linkId=39156343

The bolded ones are my personal favorites….

1. “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)
2. “After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
3. “Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe.” (Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – Parts One and Two)
4. “To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
5. “Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
6. “Humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
7. “There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)
8. “Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.” (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
9. “Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
10. “The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.” (Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – Parts One and Two)

And I would personally add one more, by “In The Prisoner Of Azkaban, Dumbledore says, ‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light’. 

That quote in particular sticks with me, I want to believe that I can find happiness in this time of brokenness and darkness. But no matter how much I want the light to shine it’s barely a flicker of a candle…… now I am starting to make this post a little less light as I intended so I shall stop for now.

Until next time….

 

Clouds

As we were walking out of Trader Joe’s today I took a minute to admire God’s beauty.  The clouds at the top of my blog represent what I saw.  Cotton ball clouds superimposed on The bluest sky I’ve seen in a long time.  

I don’t often look around at the beauty around me, I’m too busy keeping my kids from running in the street, or just plain being distracted by life.  But I’m glad I took the few seconds to look up today.