First- I am saving the best for last.
Today was a mixed bag of emotions. I woke up feeling lighter today, and having slept better than I had in a very very long time. And I have felt a weight lifted off my chest that has been sitting there for years, that I didn’t even realize (but more on that for post 2)
We went to a birthday party today. And I actually didn’t mind socializing. I think it was again the weight that was lifted. I am in no way shape or form better, but today, today was a better day. And today was special.
After the birthday party we ran errands, one of them to target. I almost never get to go to target so I am like a kid in the candy store. I didn’t get a ton but I did have a little retail therapy. After that big lots, we are on the hunt for a sleeper sofa/futon for when my inlaws are here, but I think I will wind up getting that at Ikea in a couple weeks. I then went to dollar tree to get a birthday card for my sister, and father’s day cards for my dad and step dad and my husband since I will be laid up, and away for father’s day. I bought one for my dad, and then it occurred to me that he may not live to see father’s day. And as much as a huge part of me wants him to just go now (I know it sounds terrible but he’s still so abusive, and he really is suffering). I got sad to think that he may not live to see another father’s day.
My father is not very old- only 57. But his doctor says he has the body of an 85 year old man. Years of abuse to yourself will do that. He’s a man who doesn’t feel worthy of love, and therefore struggles with how to love others. And because of his brokenness I know I can forgive him, and have. I am still hurt, I am still angry, I still have a lot of healing to do. But just as Christ forgave us, despite us continuing to sin, today I choose to forgive him.
Whatever God’s plan is for my dad, I know it’s good. My dad does believe in God, and Jesus, he is a Catholic through and through, it’s in his blood- literally. And despite the abuse, the cruelty, the pain he put me through he was, is and always will be my father.
My sister send me this today, it was before she was born. It reminded me of when we would ride in the car- I would sit on the hump in the back seat, put an arm around each of them and say “ahhh my family”. It wasn’t all bad memories. I think sometimes the black clouds of the pain black out the sunshine days we had.