After my post about hubby’s salvation I felt a weight left me. I felt like the biggest thing that had been hanging over my head and heart- the worry that we wouldn’t be in heaven together was devastating to me.
BUT I felt like I had to be happy all the time. I had to pretend that everything was fine.
It’s hard as hell to hold yourself together to pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. When you feel like you are broken inside.
I didn’t want him, or anyone else to think I wasn’t eternally grateful for the answered prayers. I didn’t want God to think that I was not feeling blessed beyond measure. So for the past two days I have walked around with a smile on my face. Pretending that I am “all better”.
But today I broke. I need to stop pretending. I need to stop stuffing and avoiding. I need to remember that I am allowed to have moments of happiness then moments of utter despair.
I had to send little one to respite. I couldn’t handle being a good mom today. I am not the mom I want to be lately, so I find it easier to find people who can be a mom to them. I hate myself because of this. I told my sister tonight that I want to be her son. She said – because of his life? (they are well off, and he wants for very little, and he has had so many experiences that kids his age never have- he sees shows, he goes to zoos his life is wonderful.) But I said no “because you are the mother I always wanted”.
My husband says that’s sad. But it’s true. I have learned to love the mother I have. She is NOT the mother that I wanted as a child. I wanted something closer to Carol Brady and I got well it’s hard to explain, but mom was/is broken in her own way. Her mom was abusive to her, her siblings and my mother’s father. He wasn’t around a lot. She suffered. A lot. And so I have forgiven her, and I have learned how to love her, and how she loves me.
Tonight, I feel broken. I feel beaten down. I feel like the world is caving in on me. I’ve thought about being better off dead. I am not the mother I want to be, I am not the mother I wanted as a kid. I am barely keeping it together. And now that I know hubby is saved it’s ok for me to die. I have wanted to hurt myself but if I do I can’t have surgery on Thursday.
I know this will pass, maybe tomorrow won’t be so dark. Maybe it’ll be a brighter day. I do get to see Mary Poppins and PollyAnna, hopefully we will be able to adjust my meds and I will get to feeling better. I don’t know. But I REALLY hope so.