Today was a day of appointments…. Big One had counseling today, then I had counseling, med management and the chiropractor. Counseling was interesting. She wasn’t happy with my homework assignment, but I think she finally realized that I am not ready to reframe my thoughts, because there are just too many thoughts to reframe. One of the favorite things for Christians to say is to “take every thought captive”. But like I explained to Pollyanna, that I have 65 thoughts at one time. so it’s hard to take one thought captive when there are so many thoughts at once. So now, she has decided to take a different approach for now, and she wants to work on thought disruption. Her homework assignment is for me to download a guided meditation program, set a timer for 1-2 minutes and try to concentrate on nothing for that time, and if I start to think to say “shush”. Sounds a little froofy to me, but I also was concerned about how guided meditation fit in with my faith.
So I called one of my faith mentors. Yes I CALLED. It was way too much to text and there was too much discussion needed. When she saw my number on her phone I am sure she thought the worst (I don’t call anyone unless it is absolutely necessary). She and I discussed what would work and still fall within the confines of our faith, because a lot of guided meditations are new-agey and don’t really jive with our faith. But she gave me some good advice and I think I found one that will work, it’s made for anxiety and I listened to the first 5 minutes or so, and other than the guys voice being weird nothing jumped out at me as sinful or against what we are taught as acceptable in Christ’s eyes.
As you can tell my faith is important to me. Over the past 4 years it has really be defining who I am, what I believe and the kind of person I want to be. And I fully believe that’s why I am in this time of trial right now. There is a real and present enemy who doesn’t want us to have a relationship with Christ, who wants to separate us from him, and he really is good at whispering if your ear- if God loved you don’t you think he would take this from you? But I know the whisper of his lies about that. I just wish I could get him out of my head.
My visit with Mary Poppins was also eventful. We discussed the fact that my depression has been very difficult to treat. That I honestly don’t feel any better, and it’s been about 6 months. We have tried several SSRIs, SNRIs, neuroleptics, anti-anxiety, antihistamines and nothing has brought this black cloud away. So she said she is increasing my luvox, and then we might start talking about ECT therapy. Electroconvulsive therapy. Yes- shock therapy. Though from what I understand it’s not your grandma’s shock therapy anymore. I plan to do some research but her talk sounded positive. She said 90% of patients see relief. I need relief.
I am more than willing to do whatever it takes. She says that I will have short term memory problems during the process though it will be very hard to form new memories. And then she said, but then again people are in deep depression how many memories do they really want to form? And she’s 100% right.
So I plan to research the heck out of this because what I am doing isn’t working- all my pills, my napping, my stuffing and avoiding. I had to stop self-harming so I can have hip surgery so instead I started compulsively spending money on credit cards – money we don’t have. Knowing all the while it was a bad idea but unable to control it, I wanted to hurt myself and I couldn’t so I tried to fill that void with “things”. I haven’t received anything yet, but I highly doubt that’s going to work either- but hey Im getting a new macbook air, a photo printer, a bunch of books on amazon, a new 2 terabite external hard drive, and some essential oil stuff out of the deal….. yeah the more I think about it the more I realize it’s a bad idea.
I have also tried compulsive eating. I don’t recommend it. I gained another 4.5 pounds in 2 weeks, it makes you sick to your stomach, and makes you fat. So that’s not a good coping skill either…. I think spending is better 😉
But I have no coping skills. None. Zero. I was accountable to PollyAnna and Mary Poppins about the spending as well as my sister, in hopes that they can help me find better ways of coping. Any ideas readers? How do you cope?