I was chatting with someone today who has struggles of her own, and she told me how strong I am. What? Strong? Me? I think she must have mixed me up with someone else. I don’t feel strong. I feel like a big ole ball of mess 99% of the time. I feel weak. Like I should be able to chin up and get over it. But can’t.
Does strong mean something else? Does she see something I can’t, or won’t? I have only ever felt strong one time in my life and it was when I was at the top of my physical journey- and it was physical strength. I could run 5K in 30 minutes. I had leg muscles that made my husband ogle. I did arm work outs and had muscle definition.
But I have never felt emotionally strong. I have always felt like a faker. I smile through the tears. I laugh through the pain. When in reality I want to be rocking in a corner.
BUT I am good at being there for other people. No matter how bad off I am, anyone- and I mean ANYONE can come to me, I will listen, I will take their pain on as if it were my own, I want to spare everyone pain. I would take all the pain from everyone in the world if I could, but I settle for my little corner of it. But that doesn’t make me strong, it makes me sadistic- or is it masochistic? It makes me Christian. It makes me reflect Christ’s love. And it makes me crazy.
To me the picture of an emotionally strong person, is someone who can shoulder their own pain without breaking down, someone who can shoulder the pain of others without breaking down. But I breakdown, daily. I stuff and avoid. Hell, I avoid parenting by sleeping. How is that strong? Maybe I put up a good front. Maybe, I have gotten so good at pretending all these years it looks real.
I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t stand to see anyone suffering, and I would do just about anything to stop it.
So now back to me….
Why can’t I stop my own pain? Why can’t I get out of my own head? I know that I am causing some of the pain that those around me are feeling…. my kids when I am frustrated. My husband who has to take on extra. My friends who I pull away from. My siblings who see me suffer and there’s nothing they can do.
Im not strong. If I were strong I could leap tall buildings in a single bound, I could take away the tears of those I love, and I could pull myself out of this pit with ease. No Im not strong, Im weak.