Is it any wonder? 

Is it any wonder that I’m fat? I ate toast with peanut butter for breakfast, canned pears (in their own juice) for lunch, a cookie, a 1×1 square brownie. Not so bad right? 

Well then 5:30 hit – I ate 5 Trader Joe’s fruit leathers and then asked hubby to get me a “snack” like eclairs at hannaford…. he did – the 4 pack.  Which now sits empty at my feet in the bag to hide the evidence, to hide my shame. 210 calories each, 840 calories total.  Not terrible I guess-  but it’s not the calories that’s the problem for me- it’s the sitting there and eating four 6 inch eclairs in less than 5 minutes sitting in the grocery store parking lot. It’s shameful. It’s disgusting.  It’s everything I think about myself.  

Fat people don’t bother me, fat ME bothers me.  I’m gross. But I see someone my same weight or even more- some of them are gorgeous, but either way there’s nothing wrong with them I don’t look at them and think oh my god they’re so gross but when I look at myself in the mirror I think that.  when I think about myself sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store shoving eclair after eclair down my throat to fill some sort of  void I think I’m gross. I’m gross.

 Even my husband gave me a look of disgust that I’ll never forget I’m must be discussing to him now too.  I guess I made my own thoughts come true I’ve always thought he thought I was fat and ugly but wouldn’t say it and now he really does think I’m gross. He knows the true me. The binger.  

I think what I found out or figure it out I guess was that because right now I can’t hurt myself I’m compensating with other compulsions spending eating two things I can control two things that bring me pleasure if only for a moment but the question is which compulsion should I indulge in which is worse? 

Excuse me while I go throw up, I feel sick.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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