My family has a long history of addiction. My mother’s father was an alcoholic who killed himself. My mother had two brothers and three sisters one sister and both her brothers were alcoholics and or drug addicts. In fact her youngest brother just died right after Christmas from complications of addiction to heroin.

I have no proof of exactly what was taken but I know my mother lost her job as an RN for meds missing from the med cart so it one point in time she had an addiction and I know in the 70 she dabbled in some pretty heavy stuff like acid with her ex and now she smokes marijuana daily.

My father’s brother was addicted to opiates and driving while under the influence as a young man (young 20s) got into an accident and suffered a brain injury and has never been the same he’s never lived on his own and has been living in a nursing home since he was about 40.

Why am I telling you all this because the past week and a half since my surgery I’ve been on Percocet and it has been the only time that I am not depressed while the Percocet is in my system I feel I could almost call happy but I don’t feel pain or sadness I feel like I can feel my OCD and that my Brain isn’t right but it almost doesn’t matter the PTSD memories come slower and less frequent I move slower and my brain moves slower.  I can see why people get addicted to these and how they could get addicted to these I myself think that I’ll feel a sense of loss when my pills are gone. I feel that I could easily become a victim of addiction to these pills.

This is something I’m going to have to mention to my med doctor today because I do not want to become an addict I think this proves to me more than I need the ECT treatment than anything else I need a reset of my brain.

Since starting that I went to my Pollyanna and Mary Poppins.  They were both a little concerned about the Percocet – as they should be, but I only have 6 pills left so they really shouldn’t be too concerned.

My therapist is thinking that maybe once a week is too intense for me, because I self harm – or want to- when I leave her office.  She also wants me to do one thing for me, that I enjoy to do, even if I don’t want to. In 2 weeks when I see her (she is on vacation next week) she wants me to think about other or not I want to keep weekly appointments or got to biweekly. Im really not sure how I feel about all of this.  Hubby went to the appointment with me, and he basically told us that I am withdrawing as much as I can from parenting.  It hurt, but it true. Sometimes the truth hurts….

Will finish this tomorrow…. eyes tired.

I spoke with my sister who (is a therapist) an she completely disagreed with the therapist -she feels its more likely that I need more intense therapy, so I am going to have to think about things, and decide what I need.

Mary Poppins has taken me off the Latuda because I thought it was making me really tired in the morning, but I am not so sure now that I haven’t taken it for a couple days, I think it’s depression and life that’s making me so tired.

We talked more about ECT therapy, and she thinks its worth a consult.  But on the other hand she thinks it might be worth waiting until I have had my appointment with the endocrinologist, given that the TSH is high.  I agree with that, but I am not happy with the lack of progress with my antidepressants. Hubby feels there has been very little if any progress in my depression, and Mary Poppins says looking over my chart it feels like not only have I not gotten any better but gotten worse. UGH.  Talk about discouraging.

So where do we go from here? I have no idea. But I will tell you for anyone worried, I have 1 Percocet left. There’s not chance of addiction- but I will be honest and tell you I miss the feelings it gave me.

Until next time….

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

2 thoughts on “Addiction”

  1. Therapy takes time, especially when dealing with PTSD and depression among anything else combining with that. Therapy days or the day after sometimes can often be hard days. But that’s because YOU had the COURAGE to push yourself a little. So the next day when emotions or thoughts are at their peak, it’s because you are beginning to wok through them.

    Which is how you begin to work through the process. Cling to scripture. Find support. Hold onto to what is good when you struggle with harmful thoughts or negative feelings. That’s basically the second part of therapy/counseling how to apply positive action in not so easy circumstances or mindsets.

    To work at your mental health isn’t easy. People who are not in your shoes, don’t understand how hard it is to go over your past. The fact remains, you are doing something productive for yourself, and for your family. This is awesome!

    Even applying awareness to what you are thinking and dealing with is progress. Opening up is progress.

    Don’t lose heart and don’t give up ; ) you got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. I needed to hear that. Its so easy for me to give scripture to those I love that are hurting, but I forget He wrote it for me too. That He chose me to be His… I think my earthly father and Heavenly Father often get mixed up…. and they shouldn’t. Again thank you.


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