I am so shallow

I am so sick of my life.  I KNOW that what I see on social media is the best of people’s life, or at least what they WANT you to see. But I look around and I see people going on fun vacations, days at the beach, to the movies, even just the little things. And lately, we don’t even get to do the little things.

I am a lousy person lately.  I am a lousy mother, a lousy friend, a lousy wife. Before my surgery I was laying on the couch all day, because I was/am depressed, but I occasionally,  would get off the couch and do something or another, But since my surgery I can’t really do anything at all.  It’s boring, I don’t have the attention span to read, I am not interested in what’s on TV, I can’t write letters, or write in my Bible journal. I’m sick of Facebook, I can’t- nor do I want to go outside. I am sick of staring at the ceiling,  I nap every chance I get.  Big One is still away, until Friday, Little one is here, but she is independent and likes to play movement games- things I can’t do- and honestly don’t feel like doing. Hubby is busy preparing for the close/move of the business.  Yesterday and today he built a shed to store it all in. I am sad about it all, he says it doesn’t bother him, that this is what he wants, he is tired of working so hard breaking his back for nothing.  But for me, the thought of emptying his shop, taking the decor off the walls, cleaning off his desk, it all breaks my heart. So he’s busy. I guess I am lonely. I am lonely in a houseful of people.  How is it possible? How can you be lonely surrounded by people?

I’m feeling like a burden, my house is a disaster. I want my mom to offer to come visit or bring a meal, but she won’t, it’s not who she is and I accepted that a long time ago – but sometimes I still secretly wish for Carol Brady.  

I told you I’m shallow.  It’s all me me me, poor me.  My life sucks.  I’ve pulled away from my friends they don’t want to listen to this.  I don’t want to listen to it. 

I don’t know what else to say.  I guess there is nothing else to say….

Until next time…..

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

4 thoughts on “I am so shallow”

  1. Oh that was brutal, how honest you are. So sorry to see that you are giving yourself a hard time. You are not shallow, it’s impossible for us to to hate on our lives from time to time. Social media has us all believing we are shallow, we all want more.
    Don’t be so tough on yourself, it’s not you you you, it sounds more like depression. I don’t mean that to come across like I’m telling you your mind, more that you are being very hard on yourself when it’s not your fault 🙂 ride it out, try place your focus on something else. Adult coloring maybe? Then the little one can join in? Sorry you are feeling low,I can relate so much, especially about pushing friends away. I’m an expert in that field.
    Hope it passes quickly, until then vent it all out! 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

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