12:52am

It’s 12:52 EDT and as my husband snores away I lay in the dark.  Reading blogs, contemplating more online shopping… I’ve resisted so far…. and thinking about my kids.

Their lives with me are so short.  It seems as though I blinked and away went nursing, bottles, pacifiers and cribs.  Replaced by big kid beds, Legos, and baby dolls.  With my oldest all that’s replaced with an interest in girls, video games, minecraft and friends. 

I know this is the way of things.  I know we just borrow them, and then send them out into the world to soar- but I’m not ready.  I want to hold on. I want one more rock in the rocking chair, one more snuggle as I sniff clean hair.  I miss them as they were, and l miss me, as I was.  

I think this’s what this is really about.  Tears are blurring what I’m typing – the truth is painful.  Back then I was a great mom.  The type of mom I wanted. Attentive, patient, the world stopped for them.  And then one day it didn’t.  I don’t know why, or what happened, but it just didn’t.  And I became someone else. Someone I don’t like, but won’t go away.  She’s the one I want Mary Poppins to vanish.  I want her to bring back the old me.  Where did she go?  How do you lose a person? Yourself?

Until next time…

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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