Not really I know she’s doing what’s best for me, but she’s told me I can’t nap during the day anymore. That’s like taking away my only coping skill. It’s like taking away my best friend. It’s like taking away the only peace I have in life. It’s the only time I sleep well, I get to avoid the hard stuff that happens all day. She says I am interrupting my sleep cycle and it’s reversing itself, and it’s causing my nighttime anxiety to be worse, and thereby my depression worse. And I need to change it back before it does any more damage.
So that means I have to get off the couch, but I am still not allowed to do anything because of my hip. The regulations are hard. Right now I can’t put more than 20lbs of pressure on my left leg, hopefully that will change tomorrow, and I can stop the crutches/walker it’s making my carpal tunnel so much worse and I can barely type this. After that I am not allowed to bed, squat, crawl or kneel for 3 months. I can’t stand for more than 30 minutes for 8 weeks- so another words I can’t do anything. Exercise – even walking- is 6 months.
July 13 I have surgery for my left hand carpal tunnel and then I will have my right hand done 6 weeks later. Full use, recovery will take about 6 months, so by the New Year I should be a new woman. And maybe by then I will know what’s wrong with my thyroid… since I am completely convinced I have thyroid cancer or some sort of tumor since my TSH numbers has been rising so rapidly.
So now that I can’t nap I have to sit in a chair, we do not have a single comfortable chair for me to sit in, but if I lay on the couch I WILL nap. I want a nap right now more than I want anything else in the world. Mary Poppins is trying to kill me. PollyAnna told me to cut back on naps, but now Mary Poppins doesn’t want me to nap at all.
I also feel guilty – I have cut pretty much everyone out of my life. I haven’t been talking to my friends, I haven’t responded to texts. I just have nothing to say. When someone asks how you are, they really don’t want to know.
I know I need to put my faith in God, I intellectually know all the things I need to do, but I just don’t know how to do it. Trust is my issue. I can’t let it go-any of it. I carry it all around with me, it’s like this video I saw a couple years ago- it really hits home….
Maybe someday God I will be able to let it all go to you. Maybe then this darkness and hurt inside me will be gone, and I will be whole.
Until next time….