I am addicted to wish.com. The items are cheap, some of them cheaply made, ok many of them cheaply made, but I don’t care, it helps my shopping compulsion and I have gotten some really cute stuff. My favorite so far is this shirt….
It reminds me that no matter how much I fail every day, how crappy I feel, no matter how bad my anxiety and depression is, Jesus loves me. Jesus loves ME. And since it is a triune relationship Jesus= God It’s so hard for me to remember that, that no matter how much I am of a hot mess, He still loves me. The relationship I have with my earthly father is all mixed up with my Heavenly Father. Im not good enough for my earthly father, I have been abandoned, abused, mistreated, and unloved at times by my father. So it’s hard to believe that there is a father out there that loves me unconditionally- no matter how much of a hot mess I am.
Today I haven’t had too bad of a day, but I have done absolutely nothing. I got up close to 10am, ate breakfast and slept till 2 when my sister called to talk more about my dad and his poor choices. I haven’t heard from him today, which worries me a little, but at the same time makes me feel a little freer. I am trying not to worry, and remember until he is deemed incompetent (which should have happened months ago) he is allowed to do whatever he wants and make whatever (poor) decisions he wants. We have made multiple reports to adult protective services, as have visiting nurses, and doctor’s. There’s no more we can do. It’s in God’s hand’s now. I can only hope God intervenes in time- the thought of him dying lying dead on the floor of a hotel room is sad. And he’s told me when he leaves this hotel he won’t tell me where he’s going so I can’t get him help, so he doesn’t want my help. So at least I know I can’t do anything. I don’t know why it matters so much to me, he’s not been nice to me, especially the past couple days. He’s been yelling at me, he has been treating me terribly. But I will continue to “honor my father” without allowing him to abuse me.
My brain doesn’t seem to be working well tonight so I guess that’s all-
Until next time….