I WANT to want to….

On my way home from counseling today I was looking around at what a nice day it was. You can’t really ask for better weather in Northern New England. It’s sunny, around 80 degrees with a slight breeze.

Normally you would find me outside sitting in a chair, or working on my garden, my herb garden or at the lake with the kiddos.

Not this year.  I have sat outside once all summer, and I felt contaminated the whole time. I spend my days sitting in power recliner in my living room with the curtains drawn closed every day.

It’s not that I WANT to be like this, it’s all I have the energy and motivation for.  I was driving home from therapy today and I pass several lakes, and I was thinking about my life the way it used to be, the way it was just a year ago. How it was 2 years ago, 3, years ago.

I passed at least 4 people running.  I used to love to run outside, I ran at least 3-4 times a week, I did multiple 5K races, running was my therapy. And I was hoping someday I would be able to run again, but my ortho doctor has cautioned against it.  He said my hips are not built for it,  And I should have realized it, as soon as I hit about mile 2 my hip flexors would be on fire, but I would push through. *Poof*. Dream dead.  As usual.

The same with HIIT (high intensity interval training), with my hips he recommends against anything high impact. *poof* dream dead.  I saw so much progress and changes in my body doing those things.  But if I do them I will end up with even wore hips than I have now.

Sure I could be happy that I can do low impact- swimming, walking, biking.  Maybe I should even be grateful, but I can’t help but mourn my dreams once again.  I wanted to run a half marathon and eventually a whole, but I never will know the feeling of crossing that finish line.

I know I need to find some new dreams, goals and hopes, but it seems so hard, like too much work for something that will probably fail too.

When I got home from counseling hubby asked why I was so down, and I said “it was counseling it’s hard”.  We spent a lot of time talking about my dad, I am worried about him I hope he’s not dead on the carpet of the hotel. We talked about the running, about how I want a life, but don’t have the energy for one.

That’s so messed up- to want something but not enough to do anything to make it happen.

On my way home from counseling I stopped and took these pics, so even though I can’t do it, or be there I could share the beauty with you.

lakelake2

Until next time….

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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