Rejection

I had a revelation today on the way to Mary Poppins office, why I can’t just drop my dad, let him dig his own grave, let him slowly kill himself, and all the while ignore me.

Rejection.

He has rejected me my whole life. I have never been good enough for him. Never did enough, said enough, said the right things.  Of course with him no one has, but I actually care what he thinks.  I actually want him to love me. I want him to live.  I don’t know why.  And I want him to live more than he wants to live obviously.

Everyone else has a seemingly easy time writing him off, why can’t I?  Everyone else says, he has the right to make crappy decisions and I can’t save him… and I get that, but I can’t let go of my feelings that he needs saving. No one ever saved him from the abuse and neglect he suffered.  He’s broken just like me.

But he rejects me. Probably he feels he doesn’t deserve to be loved.  And God knows after the things he did to me I shouldn’t love him, or let him has power over me, but I do. And I do.

But there’s nothing I can do.  Except pray he either finds peace and dies a dignified death, or changes his tune and does what he’s supposed to.

As for me, it’s more rejection to face, another obstacle in my quest to get better, and to have freedom in Christ.

Rejected. Such a sad and lonely word.  But it’s another label to add to my collection.

Until next time….

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

5 thoughts on “Rejection”

  1. I had a seemingly similar relationship with my father. I never suffered physical abuse from him, but there was definitely emotional abuse. He ended his life by abusing alcohol. I tried to get him help, because he was suicidal, but he never told medical professionals that he was.

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  2. I didn’t mean to hit send yet…I’m writing on my phone. He was only 55 years old when he died. My mom died when she was only 38 from cancer, and my dad had a lot of guilt from years of cheating on her. I tried to show him he had reasons to live, but he was determined to isolate himself and self destruct.😞 He was an alcoholic/ addict my whole life and memories of my childhood are mostly negative but I never wanted to see him suffer like he did. I think I understand a bit of what you’re going through. It is hard to help those who don’t want it.

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