I had a revelation today on the way to Mary Poppins office, why I can’t just drop my dad, let him dig his own grave, let him slowly kill himself, and all the while ignore me.
He has rejected me my whole life. I have never been good enough for him. Never did enough, said enough, said the right things. Of course with him no one has, but I actually care what he thinks. I actually want him to love me. I want him to live. I don’t know why. And I want him to live more than he wants to live obviously.
Everyone else has a seemingly easy time writing him off, why can’t I? Everyone else says, he has the right to make crappy decisions and I can’t save him… and I get that, but I can’t let go of my feelings that he needs saving. No one ever saved him from the abuse and neglect he suffered. He’s broken just like me.
But he rejects me. Probably he feels he doesn’t deserve to be loved. And God knows after the things he did to me I shouldn’t love him, or let him has power over me, but I do. And I do.
But there’s nothing I can do. Except pray he either finds peace and dies a dignified death, or changes his tune and does what he’s supposed to.
As for me, it’s more rejection to face, another obstacle in my quest to get better, and to have freedom in Christ.
Rejected. Such a sad and lonely word. But it’s another label to add to my collection.
Until next time….