A letter I’ll never send…

Dear Dad,

I, yet again, forgive you for rejecting me, for not accepting me, for so seemingly easily cutting me out of your life. You know that about a month and a half ago we had a discussion where I for gave you for everything you did to me as a child and that I gave you permission to forgive yourself. So that is not what this forgiveness is about.

Dad, I may never speak to you again because you’ve cut me out and shut me out. You’ve refused to let the medical doctors and nurses speak to me regarding your care I don’t know what kind of condition you are in.  If your number showed up on my caller ID I’d answer.  Id take you back like an abused woman takes back her abuser. 

I do know you still have not had your finger amputated because you want to play the trumpet. They make left-handed trumpets dad, you could learn to play without your middle finger.  But if we are honest you won’t play again anyway. Your lunch capacity, lack of strength and lack of muscle mass will prevent it. 

I know you shut me out because I am agreeing with your doctors, nurses and therapists when they say you need around the clock care.  I do that out of love, care and concern.  What benefit do I get of having you “institutionalized” as you would call it?  I get the benefit of knowing you are safe and being taken care of.  And I get the benefit of having you around for me, and for your grandchildren too, for a while longer. 

If I never speak to you again the last words you spoke to me were “it costs me every minute I talk to you”.  I don’t remember mine.  They were probably “ok”, or “ok I love you”.  I wish I could remember for sure. But I do know if I never hear your voice again I will always remember the money of the phone call was more important than our relationship- because at the time we were having a life-changing conversation about your health and safety. 

The fact that you were so quick to cut out both your daughters and your step son and all your grandchildren cuts me to the quick, you know what it’s like to be abandoned, and rejected. You live that life as a child and swore you would never do the same.  It hurts for me, it hurts for hubby who loves you, and it hurts for my children and their cousins. 

Dad, regardless of whether or not we talk again you know in your heart I love you and no matter how much I have wanted to I’ve never been able to just walk away from you. I wish I could say the same.

Goodbye for now, or maybe forever…

Your oldest daughter

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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