Perseveration

Perseveration: VERB: To repeat or prolong an action, thought or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Big One has Aspergers, high functioning Autism, whatever the buzz word of the time is.  He is the King of perseveration.  However, he learned this activity from somewhere, and that’d be me, the Queen.  I have not stopped thinking about that hurtful text for one minute since I got it on Friday morning. It’s constantly nagging at my brain.  It’s at the forethought of every interaction with my children.  It’s dictating how and what I will do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday.  It’s even crept into the dreams I’ve had between fits of sleep.

I don’t know how to rid myself of this poison.  It’s almost as if my brain ceased to accept new information after Friday July 21st, 2017 at 11:09am.  I’m stuck in an endless loop of thinking about this text, about what was said, analyzing what’s truth and what’s ignorance.  Im stuck in sadness, hurt, rejection and anger. I can’t think about anything else.

Talking to this person, will do no good.  Talking to their significant other may help, or may make it worse, because they could go either way- agree with them or disagree with some or all, or they could do what they do best, avoid and withdraw (hey I had to learn it somewhere).

This is my only outlet.  I am trying to put on a mask, I don’t want hubby to know just how badly I am feeling, I already had to make him promise not to text this person. I’d like to talk to my sister, but she has her own life to lead and we have talked this to death. And my brother already has a complicated relationship with this side of the family I don’t want to make it worse.

I feel so alone. I feel betrayed, rejected, sad, hopeless and helpless to change the situation. Just when I thought I might be clawing my way out of the pit, they took their workboot, put it on my face and pushed me back down to the bottom of the pit.

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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