A couple blog posts ago I wrote how pathetic I felt, that my desire to be loved I would accept any scraps of love offered to me.
Several people commented that I wasn’t pathetic, and a litany of wonderfully nice comments were left. But the biggest push was from my husband. He said that one of the things he admires most about me is my ability to love people despite their flaws. I thought a lot about this.
It’s not me accepting scraps of love because I am pathetic, it’s me accepting and loving the person where they are, how they are despite their flaws, despite their incapacity to love the same way. This was a revelation to me last night when I had gotten off the phone with my father. I said “bye, I love you”. And when I clicked end call, something clicked in my brain. I meant it. I love him. Despite the years of abuse. Despite letting me down time after time. Despite rejecting me over and over. I still love him. And this doesn’t make me weak or pathetic, it makes me more like Jesus. I am following the commands he gave to love my neighbor, to honor my parents.
When I had this revelation about myself, I felt better. I realized that meeting people where they are, not having expectations of people they can’t give, frees me from the pain of unfulfilled expectations, it frees me to love people the way I want, and accept the love they are able to love me.
I did this with my mom several years ago, it was through therapy that I realized I was expecting things from her that she can’t offer. And when I let go of those expectations our relationship changed immensely.
At this point I don’t know where our relationship stands because of the text and the follow-up email I sent to her. I am really hoping that she will understand where I was coming from in the email, and that we are still in a good place.
She hasn’t replied to the email, but she said she would reply eventually, until then I will be nervous, and pray that her reply is positive.
Until next time.