One problem taken care of.

So at the urging of PollyAnna I called my endocrinologist and told her how sick the meteormin was making me, and she told me to stop taking it.  I don’t have to taper off, I can just stop taking it. I didn’t take it today and lo and behold I had zero nausea, zero heart burn, nothing.  That was the best thing that happened today.

Both kids got their school work done and in a pretty timely fashion. So that was another good thing.

There were only a couple blowouts between brother and sister. They are 7 years apart but still fight like they are the same age.  It’s irritating.

I tackled mount laundry I still have the socks to mate, but hey it’s something.

My dad’s social worker called me today.  She needs him to plan and pay for his funeral before he can go to long term care, but he’s in denial he thinks he can live alone. The assisted living places wouldn’t even take him because he needs too high a level of care. She asked me to talk to him about it again.  I really can’t handle this stuff with all my own problems.  I did bring it up to him and he got irritated with me, and told me that we should stop talking about something that would make him angry so we stopped, but I have had anxiety ever since. I am just not capable of taking care of him and all his issues.   I don’t handle death as we have discussed previously. And I won’t even go to his funeral if there is one. Talking to her really stressed me out.  I know he’s going to die, and soon, but by the social worker talking to me I can’t avoid it, like I want to and always do. And since he’s only talking to me, it’s all on me.  My sister was handling all this but he’s not talking to her, so now it’s all on me. And he calls me 8 or so times a day.  I get that he’s lonely but it’s just too much it’s another thing that my brain can’t handle.  But I suck at boundaries and so I have no way to tell him I can’t talk to him so much. And I have to be “the good daughter”.  I can’t stand people being angry, upset, or disappointed in me. I can’t stop thinking about it.  I take everything personally, everything is always my fault.

My anxiety was terrible all day today I was shaking and starting to have that buzzing feeling.  I didn’t get a nap and I needed one badly. But it seems like every minute someone needed something from me. At least I didn’t have to leave the house today.

I guess that’s all, there was a specific reason I started this post tonight but I already forgot.  My brain does not work as well as it used to….. actually I just remembered.  I was talking to my dad tonight and he said “are you still depressed?” Like it’s something that I am just going to get over one day.  And then  he started to tell me I sounded like my grandmother (mother’s side), (no one liked her, she was mean, hateful and abusive) I asked him what he meant and he said something like “well she was always giving crap to her husband and kids”.  I wanted to hang up on him right there.  I do NOT give my kids and husband crap, I take it all out on myself, I stuff and avoid.  How on earth could he even begin to compare me to her.

See this is the crap that has given me the crappy self esteem and self image all my life. He’s always making me out to be a horrible person, or fat, or ugly, or a disappointment. It’ll never change.

The social worker wants to call me again tomorrow. yay! something else to keep me up all night.

For those of you whose blogs I regularly read I am sorry I am so behind I am working to catch up and I hope you are all well.

And the hits just keep coming…

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After a particularly tough session with PollyAnna I was headed to the pharmacy to pick up Big One’s prescription, and I broke my cardinal rule of driving ALWAYS check twice.  I thought the truck headed towards me had his blinker on, so I pulled out to turn left but nope, no blinker and I t-boned a poor old man.  He was crying, and so upset. We were lucky a state trooper was behind me so he helped divert traffic.

I haven’t processed the accident I don’t think.  I haven’t had any feelings about it, I mean I felt bad for the old man, and I was feeling sorry for myself, but I didn’t cry, I didn’t get anxious, I just was numb.  I still am, other than feelings sorry for myself, because nothing seems to be working out for us lately.

The way I explained it to my husband the other day is this:

I feel like I run from fire to fire putting them out all the while I’m burning and the running gives my own fire oxygen to burn more. It’s like on a plane put your mask on then help other my mask is missing and I’m running around burning to death.

I know that I am having a pity party because things just keep coming and coming and coming at us, and I just don’t know when it’s going to stop….

But tonight on the radio (I listen to contemporary Christian radio) they reminded us to pray for Houston. And it reminded me where I COULD be, there by the grace of God.

1st Day of Homeschool Down 174 to go…

Can I let you all in on a little secret? I HATE homeschooling. When most of you close your eyes and imagine homeschooling I’m sure you picture mom and kids all working together learning, doing hands on projects, smiling and enjoying each other’s company.

What it’s really like? Fighting them to get started in the morning, saying 1 billion times “no we can’t skip today”.  Then them trying to weasel their way out of every assignment, trying to negotiate what they do and don’t have to do. A million pee breaks, a million snack breaks. Being asked a million times when they can be done. All the while trying to maintain some semblance of the little sanity I was trying to holding on to.

Today wasn’t really THAT bad, and little one did amazing.  She was done by 11am and listened to SkippyJon Jones books with corresponding audio for hours while she played.  Big one did well. Until French – we couldn’t get Rosetta Stone working properly and he had a major meltdown.  But we got through it and I would call day 1 a success even with the bumps.

I should say I don’t HATE homeschooling, it’s just not easy.  And when you are already close to the end of your rope it’s even harder.  But today is just day 1. We have 174 more days to make it easier. And with hubby home everyday he’s helping, we are splitting the duties and that’s so much help for me. I appreciate it so much. Without him the past year I would have fallen apart.

So babe, when you finally read this, because I know you are behind, I love you, appreciate everything you have done and continue to do to keep this family together. xoxo.

A Word of Advice for People who Know me “in real life”.

If you have recently taken care of my child, spent any amount of time with me or them, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not text me at 9pm at night “how’s little one feeling? I THINK I might be coming down with a cold”. And then when I ask how your significant other is feeling and you reply “fine, it might just be my allergies hard to tell”.  This is a HUGE red flag for those of us with OCD.  I am now going to be watching myself and my children like a hawk for any sign of the plague coming our way.  I am not even sure I am going to go to church tomorrow because I am worried about what’s floating around.

So here’s what you DO do.  When you are SURE you are sick, then you text me and tell me that little one may have been exposed. Sure I will still freak out, and I will be scared to death that I am going to wind up with the plague or that my kids will, but don’t warn me until you know.  I can’t handle the not knowing. The worrying.  The feeling like I need to disinfect everything and everyone around me.

I know it makes me sound crazy.  Germs are not the worst things in the world.  A cold, the flu, a stomach bug lasts a couple days and you’e good to go.  But the thought of them scare me to death. Something as simple as a sinus infection will have me lysoling everything.  I won’t get near you.  And don’t get me started on people who cough in public. I want to scream STAY HOME.

I sound so mean. But my brain screams DANGER DANGER at a small sniffle, or a scratchy throat. I know, I am crazy.

Why does mental health issues cause such exhaustion with so little exertion?

I had little one’s party with her friends today. There were only 12 kids ranging in age from 3-15. They all just played outside and on the trampoline, we had ice cream cake and that was that. I mean really the parents just sat around talking.  But I am WIPED. Completely wiped.  I mean I did do PT, and then Walmart, came home and showered, then it was party time. I hardly did anything.  Of course after the party I had to shower the germs off.

Now I am camped out in my recliner and I want to just sleep or watch TV.  Hubby went out to get dinner.  Neither of us have it in us to cook anything.

We are supposed to start school on Monday, I need to get the school room done before then.  So that’s my plan for this weekend.  Other than that NOTHING.  I need some rest.  I don’t even have any lesson plans done. I am so screwed.

Well dinner will be here soon so I better go until next time.

I want to pat my dog

See I have lots of pets. 50ish chickens, 4 rabbits, 5 cats and 3 dogs.  I only touch one cat.  She’s the newest almost a year old.  She’s short hair, keeps herself very clean. My other cats are long hair, and one other short hair- but they don’t like me. But the cat here- she’s “Meow”.  She’s sweet.  But there are days I can’t touch her either. 

But I have a special dog.  He’s my big yellow dog. He loves me more than anything in this entire world. But I can’t touch him because of my OCD. He’s germy.  He smells like dog. I pat him with my socked foot but I can’t bear to touch his fur.  On a particularly good day I can pat his ears then immediately wash my hands but I haven’t had a good day in a while 😦 

I want to pat my dog.  I want to love on him the way he wants me to.  But my brain won’t let me. I get the danger signal.  And it breaks my heart.  Does anyone else suffer from this? 

Worn- again

I know I have posted this before but I am just so down tonight and I listened to it over and over tonight.  It fits. The highlighting is mine.

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
‘Cause I’m worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
I AM worn. I AM losing my will to fight. I’m trying to turn to my faith, but I am feeling so weak.
I called the pharmacist that I trust today and my endocrinologist there is no reason to worry about lithium/metformin interaction, I will be fine. At least that’s one less thing to worry about.
Little one is at my moms.  She’s going on a lobster fishing trip. I asked my mom if she ate for here’s what she sent:
100% of grape juice,2 glass milk,chicken,gr.beans,rice,whole cuke,pickled beets and 2 cookies.snack 2 glass milk and 2 cookies.
And she was asleep fairly quickly.  It takes us 2 hours.
I am at the point now that I just think that maybe I just suck at this motherhood thing.  Maybe I should put them in school and spend my days in bed.
I really am feeling weak, and worn out. I need God to come down and hold me up.