Sick little one…..

For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.

My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced.  It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.

Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick.  I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs.  It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed.  It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off.  It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.

In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke.  But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way.  And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my  brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.

Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!

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Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

2 thoughts on “Sick little one…..”

  1. You are not a monster but a good mother doing the best she can with a debilitating illness. OCD attacks are often via our loved ones as they are the people we spend most time around. I understand and have been there myself. I pray that your daughter recovers soon and your relationship returns to normal.

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