For those of you with OCD you are either going to understand this, or the majority of you will read this and think I am a monster.
My youngest, my princess is sick. I have been saying for 2 days it’s strep but daddy wasn’t so convinced. It being Friday I brought her in because I didn’t want to end up in the ER this weekend, and low and behold it’s strep. Mother’s intuition, there’s nothing like it.
Anyway I am walking a very fine line here. I really struggle when someone in my household is sick. I feel compassion, but I have a very hard time caring for them because I am unhealthily afraid of their germs. It’s almost as if I can see the germs passing around in the air, on my stuff. It’s like I want to pack a suitcase and run away until the illness has passed. It’s been such a hard line. I want to pick her up and cuddle her 6 year old self, but my brain has a red alert sound going off. It’s literally like fight or flight mode. I am wiping things down with Clorox wipes, I am washing my hands constantly, she brought me 3 blueberries yesterday and I washed them with antibacterial hand wipes before I would eat them. Yes, it has progressed that far. I won’t let her near my phone, I won’t touch her iPad.
In the end I will probably still end up getting strep, and I will survive it, and life will go on, no one will go up in smoke. But I am literally shaking afraid of these germs floating in our air, waiting to jump on me from furniture, door knobs, sink handles. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could just let her climb in bed with me, but I can’t. I can’t touch the remote until it’s been sanitized, I picked up her toys and immediately scrubbed my hands. I lost count how many times I have washed my hands today. This is a terrible way to live. But I don’t know any other way. And really, it’s strep- not that big of a deal but my brain works like this ebola is the same as strep is the same as the common cold. Literally. My brain is so broken.
Lest you all think I am a monster- I did tuck her in, cover her up, say our prayers, sing out special song, kiss her on the CHEEK and tell her I love her more than life itself- our nightly routine-altered only by the usual kiss on the nose and forehead….. but man I felt like I needed another shower. OCD I HATE YOU!