Whew what a session today. She called me out on every time I avoided, or tried to change the subject.
Today we talked about mom’s non response- which she has responded now. I am still processing the response but it’s better than I expected.
I don’t remember all the stuff we talked about, I was on screech today, jumping from topic to topic until we got to the topic of my brain, and how I feel like it’s separated into two parts. One side is orderly. It’s where I keep this filing cabinet of information, facts, dates, numbers, things I can pull out of a hat to impress people with my knowledge and my intelligence. I need validation and praise. I thrive on it, it’s like a drug.
The other half of my brain is chaos it’s where everything else is. That’s where everything else is. The negative feelings, negative self talk, sadness abuse, avoidance, feeling not good enough etc etc.
And I’m standing between A double yellow line trying to walk in both parts of my brain. My sister calls that ambivalence I call it exhaustion…
I don’t know what I would look like without chaos in my brain, and I worry that I would look like a super Duper control freak if I I only had order, my sister wants to know why order has to equal control and that’s a question I can’t answer. How can it not equal control because in order to have order someone has to set up that order.
Pollyanna asked if I’m ready to live without The chaos and to be honest with you I don’t know.