That last post was so forced. I was looking for things to say, because I can’t express what I really want to say.
I have shut off my emotions. I pretty much feel nothing other than the anxiety. I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel anything much at all. My OCD is in full swing, making little one put fresh socks on every night before bed, so that her dirty feet don’t come into my bed at 2 am, which she’s been doing every day for over a week. I still nap as much as I can, big one has been awful culminating in throwing a pencil at me today and a water bottle at his worker.
What I can’t stop thinking about is the 2 sides of my brain thing. I have to talk to PollyAnna about that on Wednesday and I am no closer to having an answer for her on how to get rid of the chaos, or at the very least how to live in coexistence with both sides. It gives me a stomach ache to think about it to be honest.
I just that there is no logic to this process. You can’t have order and chaos together, and life doesn’t exist without chaos, because you can’t control your entire world. Everyone’s world is too big, and there are too many variables. This is really messing with my ability to think of anything else.
The other problem is this stupid diet I have to follow counting carbs at each meal. The pills make me sick and the only snacks I can have is protein, and I am getting sick of cheese cheese cheese, almonds, peanuts, blah blah blah. I want cookies, crackers and ice cream. But at the same time I don’t want to end up like my dad. ugh. There is no good answer. My mom gives him 3 months to live, and given the fact that she worked in nursing homes and hospitals for so long she knows. He’s 57. So I really need to take this seriously.
I thin I have so much on my mind that I can’t even sort through it all.