Things to Change…

I was going to talk about advanced directives, final wishes and the fact that my father is dying… but instead I will do what I do best- stuff and avoid and talk about what I have figured out to tell PollyAnna.

She wants to know what I want to change.  That’s too broad, there are so many many things about my life that I want to change.  So I am going to come up with a list.  And we will tackle it like a to-do list.  I like lists.  They are neat.  They are orderly.  They are controllable.

  1. I want to not feel like I have to please everyone all the time.  The fear of disappointing people sometimes paralyzes me.  I want to be able to say “no” and not feel guilty.  I want to be able to set healthy boundaries. And be ok with those boundaries.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it?
      1. Baby steps.  Saying no to people in the outer circles in my life, disappointing them, till we get to smaller and smaller circles.  Taking it slow.
  2. I want to like myself.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it?
      1. ????? I have no clue on this one because I never have.
  3. I want to stop worrying so much about what people think about me. It’s none off my business what they think of me.
    1. What am I willing to do to change it? Again I don’t know this has always been an issue because it goes right along with pleasing people.
  4. I want to be able to identify what I am feeling, be able to name the feeling, and express the feeling. I often can’t tell the difference between feelings.  Like to me order and control are the same thing. Content and happy are the same. Etc.
    1. Again I have no idea how to change this, but I am willing to take baby steps to learn.
  5. I want to stop thinking everyone is mad at me all the time.
    1. I am willing to do what I need to do, but it as with everything else it has to be baby steps.
  6. I want to stop letting every single thing bother me…. little things, big things, things that don’t even have anything to do with me.
  7. I want to work on my different OCDs I want to be able to touch the TV remote without worrying about the germs from my own family.

And this just scratches the surface.  I have a lot of work to do in therapy.  But to be perfectly honest this scares the crap out of me. I read something last night that really resonated with me…. People go to therapy because they want to change without feeling the pain or something to that effect.  It’s so true.  I don’t want to do the hard stuff.  I want to avoid anything that will cause me discomfort in any way. As evidenced by the fact that I chose not to discuss my dad and the tough conversation we had today…..

This entry wouldn’t be complete without mentioning that little one will be SEVEN years old tomorrow.  How did she go from a little tiny baby to a special, smart, amazing little girl?

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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