So at the urging of PollyAnna I called my endocrinologist and told her how sick the meteormin was making me, and she told me to stop taking it. I don’t have to taper off, I can just stop taking it. I didn’t take it today and lo and behold I had zero nausea, zero heart burn, nothing. That was the best thing that happened today.
Both kids got their school work done and in a pretty timely fashion. So that was another good thing.
There were only a couple blowouts between brother and sister. They are 7 years apart but still fight like they are the same age. It’s irritating.
I tackled mount laundry I still have the socks to mate, but hey it’s something.
My dad’s social worker called me today. She needs him to plan and pay for his funeral before he can go to long term care, but he’s in denial he thinks he can live alone. The assisted living places wouldn’t even take him because he needs too high a level of care. She asked me to talk to him about it again. I really can’t handle this stuff with all my own problems. I did bring it up to him and he got irritated with me, and told me that we should stop talking about something that would make him angry so we stopped, but I have had anxiety ever since. I am just not capable of taking care of him and all his issues. I don’t handle death as we have discussed previously. And I won’t even go to his funeral if there is one. Talking to her really stressed me out. I know he’s going to die, and soon, but by the social worker talking to me I can’t avoid it, like I want to and always do. And since he’s only talking to me, it’s all on me. My sister was handling all this but he’s not talking to her, so now it’s all on me. And he calls me 8 or so times a day. I get that he’s lonely but it’s just too much it’s another thing that my brain can’t handle. But I suck at boundaries and so I have no way to tell him I can’t talk to him so much. And I have to be “the good daughter”. I can’t stand people being angry, upset, or disappointed in me. I can’t stop thinking about it. I take everything personally, everything is always my fault.
My anxiety was terrible all day today I was shaking and starting to have that buzzing feeling. I didn’t get a nap and I needed one badly. But it seems like every minute someone needed something from me. At least I didn’t have to leave the house today.
I guess that’s all, there was a specific reason I started this post tonight but I already forgot. My brain does not work as well as it used to….. actually I just remembered. I was talking to my dad tonight and he said “are you still depressed?” Like it’s something that I am just going to get over one day. And then he started to tell me I sounded like my grandmother (mother’s side), (no one liked her, she was mean, hateful and abusive) I asked him what he meant and he said something like “well she was always giving crap to her husband and kids”. I wanted to hang up on him right there. I do NOT give my kids and husband crap, I take it all out on myself, I stuff and avoid. How on earth could he even begin to compare me to her.
See this is the crap that has given me the crappy self esteem and self image all my life. He’s always making me out to be a horrible person, or fat, or ugly, or a disappointment. It’ll never change.
The social worker wants to call me again tomorrow. yay! something else to keep me up all night.
For those of you whose blogs I regularly read I am sorry I am so behind I am working to catch up and I hope you are all well.