I’m a bad Christian

I say that I’m bad Christian because when times get tough we’re supposed to turn to Christ for strength, we’re supposed to let him carry our burdens.  But I don’t. I brood. I get anxious. I get angry. I get frustrated.  I get depressed. 

Tonight I scratched- found that a safety pin does the job way better than keys. I did both sides of both arms and on the inside of my right arm I scratched Just Like Him. 

I feel like all these feelings are going to make me just like my dad.  I won’t let it happen. I won’t. 

I know I need to pray.  I know I need Jesus, but I feel like I’m Peter sinking in the waves because my eyes are off Jesus. I need prayers.  I need to focus on Him and not on the crap around me. 

What do you do?

What do you do when your kids appear to hate you?  They don’t listen to you I don’t do it you ask they ignore you it’s almost like you’re invisible when you’re talking to them? We homeschool as I’m sure I’ve mentioned before my daughter won’t do her work for me so that her day she doesn’t even do school my son says his is done but then I find out he lied I’m overwhelmed, and on the verge of a breakdown I feel like our schedule is overbooked but 90% of it is school or therapy related and we can’t cut her therapies because we cut our therapies in the problems will intensify I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I want to just beat my head against the rock until I stop moving.

I apologize 

I have almost 300 blogs I haven’t read, and I keep trying to catch up but I can’t even make a dent.   So to all of the blogs I regularly follow, like and comment on that’s why I haven’t been around.  I’ve barely been able to get out of my own way.  Day to day life has been tough.  So I made the decision. I’m going to delete all the blog emails and start fresh. I’ll try to read back when I can but seeing all those emails knowing I haven’t been there for all of you, hearing about your days, about your successes and victories kills me.  It makes me sad and depressed.  

I hope you all understand I care and love reading about you all. And please forgive me. 

You know what sucks?

Sometimes there are thoughts and feelings you have that you can’t voice anywhere, because it’s not politically correct or something you just don’t say.  But sometimes those things are stuck in your head and you want to let them out you want to vent them, you want to share them – but everyone would judge you – you’d be a horrible person.  And so I keep my thoughts to myself.  Locked deep inside where they are slowly eating away at me and will eventually just be a shell….

Time Spent Apart

Many couples I know like to vacation apart, or take some time with couple days, or weekend apart- but I can honestly say with every fiber of my being that being away from my husband is like not having half of myself. He is my heart and my soul. I haven’t seen him since Friday evening and it seems like an eternity.

For 22 years and 139 days we have spent every minute we possibly could with each other. I was 17 years old when I met him, he was only 16. Our friends and family said it would never last, young love isn’t real, that we were too young to know what we wanted, that we spent too much time together. From the day I met him I knew that there was nobody else for me. He has always made me feel like I’m the only woman in the world. It didn’t matter what I looked like, what I was wearing, or the state of my mental health he loves me no matter what. No matter what.

All I ever wanted is the child was to be loved, to be good enough, to be smart enough, to be pretty enough, so that I would fit the mold my family wanted. But when he walked into my life he broke the mold and told me without words than I am my own mold and he loves that mold.

And even though I have been struggling with my own mental health and demons from my past he still loves me, despite his own physical struggles he has stepped up – he does all the cooking he helps school the children he does the things that I just can’t bring myself to do he serves me, he exemplifies a Christlike service and I am more than blessed to have him. I thank God every day for the man he put in my life, for the man that saved my life, and the man who has given me a life.

Babe I know you’re going to read this hopefully by the time you do you’ll be home but I still have a full day and a half away from you and it’ll be filled with missing you. I love you and I hope you’re having a fabulous time with the kids and your parents you deserve this time.

*** please excuse any typos or places where it doesn’t make sense I’m trying to use speech to text because tears are streaming down my face****

So tired…

It’s 9:40am, I’ve been up since 9am and I just can’t shake the sleepiness.  I need to- I have to drive big one 2 hours south to have his kidneys and bladder ultrasounded to make sure there are no defects that are causing the bed wetting at this late age (14.5). We were supposed to go a couple months ago but he went through a 2 week period where he stopped wetting (the longest since he was trained at 3) so we thought we were in the clear- nope.  Little one (7) is still wetting at night too. Though I know more “typical” it’s still frustrating that we have been buying “diapers” for almost 15 years nonstop for only 2 kids! 

This is just one of the things weighing on my mind today, I hope he’s ok, and it’s just a he’ll grow out of it thing. Please if you are a praying person please pray for answers- but gentle answers….if you get what I mean…

Scratched the itch to feel the burn…

On the way to PT I needed some release. I’m feeling – well I can’t even describe what I am feeling grumpy doesn’t really do it justice. I’m in a a low place, and my brain seems to want to go to places I don’t want it to go.

Like the last time I had my “old” husband, how he was before he got sick, before we lost our house, our car, before little one started having issues, before I had my breakdown. We live fairly close to the mountains.  And I won a weekend away 2 nights in a hotel in a touristy town in the mountains. 3 years ago in October. We hiked, we walked, and hiked some more.

Just a couple of the beautiful scenes we saw….

 

It was a hike we won’t ever be able to do again.  It was a trip we won’t be able to repeat. I have sweet, memorable moments, and some weird ones too but I still feel sad when I think of the trip, it was probably the best trip we have taken in our 22 years together.  I wish I had known it would be the last of it’s kind.

Hopefully we will have other trips and adventures, if his disability is approved without it, life will be hand to mouth forever. But Im getting ahead of myself. That’s too much for today.  Hubby is off getting an xray because now he has neck and shoulder pain, combined with pain and tingling down the outside of his arm and numbness in his 3rd, 4th, and 5th fingers, unrelated to activity so it’s not carpal tunnel. He can just be sitting in the chair and they go numb.  So something else to worry about….

Worry, worry, worry, that’s all I do.