The Apathy is Gone…

The apathy I have been feeling for a couple weeks is gone and now I waffle between angry, frustrated and downright sad- or whats a worse word for sad?

Today at church today the Pastor was reading calls from people to their loved ones on 9/11 and I had tears streaming down my cheeks and I don’t cry in public, heck I don’t cry much at all.  Hubby held my hand and that was a really sweet gesture, it made me feel loved and protected.

We got home from church and I was irritated and sad so I set my alarm for 1 hour for a nap and apparently it went off and I just shut it off and slept another hour- I now owe PollyAnna 9 coloring sheets.  Awesome. It sucks to be punished for doing something you enjoy most.

My kids have been fighting and sniping at each other all day.  It’s a rainy chilly day so that means no outside time and they are stir crazy.

Big one is telling me how I should be parenting little one  I said fine, if you can do it better, go ahead parent her.

I am so tired of everyone telling me what to do, what not to do, how to feel, how not to feel.  How to express myself and how not to. I feel trapped.  This blog is the only place I feel like I can truly say anything on my heart and no one will contradict me, or placate me, or tell me my feelings are wrong…

It’s been almost a year since my breakdown, and I am no closer to being better than the day it happened.  I am so tired of pretending everything is fine.  Im back to telling people “good” when they ask how I am.  Ive figured out the truth no one really wants to know. I don’t want to be around anyone, I just want to stay at home watching TV, sleeping and listening to audio books.  But unfortunately expectations make this impossible. Being an adult sucks.

 

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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