You know what it means when it’s been a while…

So last week I had my final carpal tunnel surgery yay I get the stitches out on Friday looking forward to that. But I feel like everything else in my life is pretty shitty, my memory seems to have lapses timeframes that I can’t remember which concerns me. I didn’t have any memory of seeing my counselor last week, I thought it was the week before.

I am not doing well at all.  I scratched today, only once before I realized the OT for my carpal tunnel will be looking at my hands tomorrow.  It can pass as a cat scratch.  I just can’t handle much more.

My husband’s disability was denied so we have to go through the appeal process.  My student loan servicer keeps making me redo this form, and when I do what they say they tell me it’s wrong.  Im hoping todays form is right or I might just say fuck it, try to collect 1300 a month from a family that doesn’t even make that.

Big one is a high schooler so I expect more from him and he screams at me.  I can’t take it.  I just want to run away. My little one I can’t get her to get in here to do her work and I have no fight left in me.

Usually hubby is here to help but today was his mentoring with our pastor, he offered to cancel, but I think this is important, he needs to have a good male Christian model, he needs to learn how to be the spiritual leader. Plus he needs friends and people to talk to.

Today I was driving to the post office and my phone rang, I stopped in the middle of the road to figure out how to answer the phone.  Who does that?  My brain is not working right.  I’ve been crying all day.  I went to the post office to mail 2 things, and when I got home I realized one of them was still in the car. So I had to go back. I put pancakes in the toaster for little one, and forgot to give them to her for breakfast. Hubby gave them to her just before noon.  thankfully she’s a good forager and she had eaten a non mom approved breakfast.

And my dad.  I am now the primary on his advanced directive, I am the one his social worker calls, I’m supposed to convince him to make good decisions so he won’t die. Instead he screams at me, tells me he’s going to kill himself so I have to report that.

I can’t take much more.  I am about to snap.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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