I was asked and accepted to help in the infant room for our church's MOPs group. We get mostly toddlers but the occasional infant comes in and that's my happy place. Well a friend captured a pic of me holding the infant this week.
When I looked at the pic I thought to myself – I remember seeing a picture like that before…. so I went back through my pics and found this
and directly in the middle of that is this
I look at all three pictures and I hate the person in each one. She's not happy, she's not where she should be, she's no one and no where.
Thats how I feel about myself…. like I am a placeholder for the real me that's going to show up someday. Is that normal? Don't answer that's rhetorical- I know it's not.
My dad and I had a horrific conversation yesterday that included him telling me he's going to wind up hating me if I am not complicit in him not following doctor's orders and trying to live on his own with 1 leg, half a hand, a replaced hip, brittle diabetes, the need for dialysis 3x a week after proving over and over he is unable to care for himself.
And as for me, we are coming up on the anniversary of my breakdown and I am getting more and more anxious and more. and more upset that nothing has changed. Im not better. Part of me wants to stop all my meds and self medicate with vodka and weed. I won't, I have seen in family members what happens if you do that….but a girl can dream of washing her sorrows down with a shot of zyr vodka, a couple percocets and a bowl of the best weed….
I scratched yesterday. Im finally finished with all my dr visits and surgeries, it felt so good…..sooooo good.