Is that how you spell paranoia? Must be it was a choice. I’m trying to go through my blog and delete any picture of my face. I don’t know why but all of a sudden tonight I regretted outing my face. I know it’s an OCD thing I think. Intrusive thoughts that won’t go away. There wasn’t even anything specific I was worried about. So for those catching up. Or here for the first time there may be posts that make very little sense without the pictures to go with them
Today I have been obsessed with numbers and days we live. I read in a book that if you live to be 70 you live 25,550 days. Which got me thinking about the kids- birth to 18th birthday 6,750 day. On big ones 14th birthday he had already lived 5110, his birthday was a couple months ago so that number is higher now, and little one on her 7th birthday will have lived 2555 days and since her birthday has passed there’s more days gone. Days I can’t get back. Days I’ve wasted being upset over messy rooms, uneaten meals. Days I haven’t read to them. Days I’ve been too depressed to do much of a anything else.
I was telling hubby today that big one played video games all weekend and didn’t really spend any time with us and he said he was distracted by video games, and I said and then it’ll be girls and college and his own life and we’ll be people he visits. What if he feels about us the way I feel about my dad? Or what if I am closed off like. My mom? I accosted (hubbys word) a couple at the grocery store tonight. They had a tiny baby, so little. I asked how old, 7 weeks. I begged them not to take any time for granted, those 6,750 days go so fast, and you’ll miss it,all of it, diapers and lack of sleep. They probably thought I was some crazy old lady but if they heard me. If they read one more story, or give one more goodnight hug because of the crazy grocery lady then it was worth it.
I feel like time is on fast forward right now with the kids but slow motion with me. I can’t move I can’t do what I want but their lives keep moving at lightening speed and I’m missing it, except they’re here all day since I homeschool. So I see my kids more than the average parent. But being mom and teacher makes me bad guy all the time. I want to be good guy. I want to be fun mom. I want to I don’t know. All I know is I am in a bad place emotionally. My stomach is upset and I’m scared of the dark in my own house, with my husband in bed next to me snoring.
I’m not sure what’s wrong. I feel paranoid and nervous. Mary Poppins better have something good in her bag for me this week.
And to all of you reading and the pictures being gone making the posts messed up, and my unmasking being undone, I’m sorry- OCD trumps all.
If anyone finds a post where my face isn’t blurred please tell me I think I checked every one (it’s now 2am) but there’s a lot…