Bye Bye Critical Thinking and Executive Functioning it was nice knowing you…

I haven’t been around much lately, I have been going to more doctors than I care to admit.  I think I mentioned I sprained my ankle last week falling off a step ladder, well this isn’t an isolated incident I have been having balance issues since my hip surgery.  So now that my right ankle is sprained my left hip (surgical hip) is taking all the weight and it can’t handle it… it’s not strong enough.  And to make matters worse they think my right hip has the same issue my left did, but we can’t do surgery until I “have a leg to stand on” basically.  So they are referring me back to the doctor I first saw at their practice and he will manage me non surgically and then when things are straightened out we will reevaluate surgery on my right hip.  Hello cortisone injections. What I really really want is some Percocet and sleep for a week.

I also saw the dr about the ECT.  And I was all set to start Monday but I really felt like I didn’t have any support in this – friends telling me to pray it away, well-meaning people telling me it’s awfully invasive. So I met with Mary Poppins and I decided to up my current meds, cancel the ECT and go from there.  After that I met with PollyAnna, which did I mention she’s leaving and now I am stuck finding a new therapist.  Hello abandonment issues I haven’t seen you in a while I missed you.  And I came to the conclusion while talking to her I want someone to tell me to do the ECT.  And I felt like I needed support that I wasn’t getting. And I thought hubby was against it, when it turns out he’s only against maintenance ECT.  So I called the place back and we will do itthe 2nd’ or 3rd week of November.

But now for the reason for this post. I have lost my critical thinking skills as well as my executive functioning skills. My sister pointed it out, and my hubby agrees.  I am slowly losing all the things that make me ME.  It’s like I am Michael J Fox on Back to the Future an I am beig erased from the picure….

And finally a changed diagnosis and a new one? I recently had a treatment plan and when I compared it to my last one Mary Poppins changed Major Depressive disorder recurrent episode moderate toMajor Depressive disorder recurrent episode severe.  Awesome.  Getting worse not better.  She also put ruling out unspecified personality disorder.  Awesome. That’s not something mananged with meds, that’s the fiber of your being – who you are.  How do I deal with that.  Im thinking I am dependent personality disorder though I do meet some of the criteria for Borderline.  Either way I am sick to death of not getting better but getting worse and worse.

Next time maybe I will talk about how I feel about PollyAnna leaving and the search for a new therapist.

What a Day!

My day started with Big One’s first day of public high school.  It seemed to have gone well, but it’s hard to tell with him.

Then I finally got my Dad on the phone I hadn’t talked to him in over a week, and I sort of miss his calls….. maybe not all of them…. but anyway he was irate, argumentative and and downright mean. Even going so far to say “do you really think that was the best choice” regarding sending the kids to Schoo… Even though he knows nothing of the gut wrenching heartache it was making that choice.

I was crying hysterically in the car… Got to counseling only to find out that my counselor is leaving and I only have 3 more sessions with her- PollyAnna is abandoning me like everyone else does.  Now I have to find another therapist…. or not.

After I left her office I was upset to say the least and I was headed out of town to meet with the Psychiatry department at the hospital for a consult for  my ECT  (electro shock therapy) treatments.  On the way there, I wasn’t “all there” the way many of us are when we have driving amnesia.  I was speeding, 70 in  55.  Ticket. $182. OUCH.  I will contest it to hopefully get the fine reduced.  I don’t really think I was going that fast but I didn’t argue. I took my punishment and off I went.

He took a pretty through history, had me crying some more, and spent a lot of time being quiet if I wasn’t talking and I told him it made me nervous when he was quiet.  He said because of my many failed meds, it would make ECT less effective, about a 50/50 shot it would work.  But he believes that just continuing to try different meds is a 10% chance. Not great odds any way you look at it. So I consented to the treatment.  He said some people, especially people with lots of trauma and with extended periods of depression (hello that’s me), sometimes never get better.   I looked at him and said so you are saying this may be as good as it gets- forever.  That forever I won’t want to die but I won’t want to live either? And he said it’s a possibility.  The thought of living like this for the next 50 years is even more depressing.

After I left there with my first treatment scheduled, I headed straight to OT, since I didn’t have much time to get there… I made it 5 mis or so late only to find out that my calendar – paper and electric were wrong.  This has been happening way too much lately. I can’t tell you how many times I have screwed up bills, appointments — everything in the past month or 2.  I told the dr I need a RAM dump.  I have given everyone a piece of me to take care of them and there is nothing left for me.

My brother made a comment about free time now that the kids are in school, and I said yeah right.  Screenshotted my calendar for October and his response was that they need 2 of me. SO SO SO true.  But I get the good half 😉

Tomorrow its treatment plan for the med cinic an then to see Dr. Handsome.  He will look at my left him but I have been having the same sorts of pain on the right side, I am falling a lot and have terrible balance, tripping on things, things I never would have done.

I don’t think I mentioned I fell walking little one home and sprained my ankle bad, on m good leg.  Which was already giving me trouble, so now my left hurts from compensating  to help my right hip and ankle.  I am so broken.

I know God has. a reason for this, but I hope this season is short.

The Good Doctor

Has anyone seen this show? I just watched the pilot. I cried my eyes out. Yes, parts of the story were sad, but what broke my heart was thinking about my own son.

This show is based about a doctor with Autism, he is brilliant. He is mistreated by his fellow surgeons because of his diagnosis.

My son, is brilliant. His IQ is in the superior range. But unfortunately he has no motivation, and does the bare minimum to skate by- he should be applying himself because he has lofty goals, he wants to be the CEO of Nintendo. He wants to code video games, make new Pokémon games, design games of his own, but if he continues to not apply his brilliance, if he continues to not take his studies seriously, where is he going to end up? McDonald’s? Walmart? Unemployed living in our home?

I want so much more for him. I want everything I don’t have, I want financial security, I want his hopes and dreams to come true, I want the best for both my kids. How do I sit back and watch my oldest, throw his next 4 years away making it so he doesn’t get into a good college while his dreams swirl down the toilet?

Kids sure know how to break your heart.

875+

875 cuts on my arms.  Plus “NO 175” carved on the soft inner skin of my right arm. 175 2 Times on my right arm and 175 3 Times on my left.  One set of 175 to count the number of days little one has school. 1 set wasn’t enough.  2 wasn’t either.  I had to keep going like a compulsion until the outer pain trumped the inner. But it doesn’t really.  My heart hurts tonight.

Little one is so excited.  She can barely contain herself. Im happy for her- she’ll never know how much I hurt tonight.

I hope my husband doesn’t hate me…. he hates it when I hurt myself.

T-minus not even 12 hours…

As I was packing little one’s lunch for school tomorrow, my tears mixed with her deli ham and soft shell tortilla. I never wanted to send her to school, I still really don’t want to send her to school.

I have so many worries- will she make friends? Or will she struggle like I did?

Will she have someone to sit with at lunch?

Will she be able to do the work?

Will she miss me?

How will I get through my day without my light?

Will she like it? (secretly I don’t want her to so that I can keep her home with me).

Germs, germs, germs.

I’m sending the nice one, who loves me to school and keeping the one who hates and abuses me home.

What if, what if, what if…..

 

 

Devastated….

Its been a couple days, and today I met with the kids med management doctor -let’s call her Julie Andrews. We started with big one, not much to say.  Things are about the same, we cut out his anti-anxiety medication since it wasn’t working and he was feeling manic but controllable.

But then it was little one’s turn. She saw her behavior- running all over the place, hyperactive, and defiant.  So she and I decided what meds to put her on, and then talked about the school thing.  And she talked me into it. I feel somewhat coerced, somewhat forced, but I just can’t let it go.  I don’t want to leave my baby at school.  I can’t imagine it.

I am worried she will end up like me, she’s so tender hearted- people will probably take advantage of her.  But as my counselor said that I am only looking at the bad “what-if” situations. What-if it goes well?

There’s no room in my head for that scenario. All the bad ones are swirling around in there, my brain is full, my head hurts, it pounds from crying so much, my eyes burn, and I have a stomach ache.

She starts school Monday.  Tomorrow I will go down with her, turn in the paperwork, and I will see if they let her see where the classroom is, where things are.  It might make me feel better.  She’s excited to go, I wish I could say the same thing.

 

Answered Prayers

Today somehow the Holy Spirit prompted me that I wasn’t listening to Him.  All of a sudden I knew my kids belonged to me, and with me.  We will find a way to make it work despite all our issues.   So for now the kids will still homeschool- I feel at peace, I’m pretty sure hubby feels at peace.  Though schooling will be different, both online, less pressure for us.  We will be doing what we feel Gods call is for us. This doesn’t mean we won’t reevaluate over and over and keep praying so we follow His path for us.   It for now – He wants us together.

That pit in my stomach is gone.  Thank you God!