I went after myself with the safety pin again tonight, the one I cleverly keep hidden so no one will find it. But you know what I really wish, is that instead of my husband getting angry that I hurt myself again – maybe angry is not the right word frustrated I wish he would see each mark for what it is- a pain, a hurt, a word I say in anger, a punishment for things I do wrong. I wish he could look at them and see my pain – the pain I have no words for.
I want another coping mechanism but no one has helped with that so far- an elastic on the wrist is hardly scratches and cuts.
For those of you curious – my children NEVER see my cuts. I hide them well. And they won’t ever see them.
The words spell out “Just Like Him” meaning my dad. I feel like my kids feel they aren’t good enough for me that I somehow think that they should be better – smarter, better listeners, better behaved…. I don’t know it’s probably projection but it’s how I feel it’s a pain, it’s hurt, it’s a scar.
I guess it’s a good thing I see PollyAnna and Mary Poppins tomorrow- we have a lot to talk about.