My life…. where dreams go to die….

I started homeschooling big one at the end of 1st grade, I was 5 or 6months pregnant with little one, and everyone convinced me that I wouldn’t be able to homeschool big one with an infant.  So I put him in school for two years and it was utter and total pure hell. The district we lived in at the time was horrific, and known for their inability to handle special needs children.

So by 4th grade I was homeschooling – we had gone to mediation with the school district and filed a formal complaint.   They were found guilty of 7 different violations of his IEP..  I pulled him out and we homeschooled.  It was NEVER easy, he has always fought me, tried to cut corners, tried to get out of doing work.  It’s been a fight since day 1.

With little one I planned to homeschool her the entire school experience.  She proved difficult in her own ways, wanting to play instead of do school, having low attention span. And then we found out about her eye convergence issues, her ADHD and anxiety.  But still we were ready to soldier on.

Even though Im emotionally tapped out. Even though hubby is physically and emotionally tapped out.  But big one has really upped the ante this year he’s pushing every button, he’s taking every chance to exploit my shortcomings and my emotional instability.  He skips assignments saying they are done, he downright refuses to do them. He screams at me, its like living with a mini version of my father.

So we are looking into options.  Little one is gong ho.  She wants to go to school.  Selfishly, I want her here, at home.  I want to teach her, but homeschooling is ruining our relationship.  So next week we will go tour the school I hope and see what it’s like.

The following week we have a meeting with the special services director to tour the high school, to look at their day treatment program even though it’s full. We have also put ourselves on the waiting list for the virtual charter academies that our state offers. We will see what pans out.

So not only do I not want my kids to leave me, even big one despite his abuse… The other issue if I have made a tribe.  I had a tribe of homeschooling moms. That made it a little better I wasn’t alone, I could bounce ideas off them, and now, I am defecting. Are they going to abandon me? Will I lose all my friends?  Most of my friends are severely anti-public school. I feel like I will lose the few friends I have.

It seems like every time I have a dream for my life, or my kids the dream their comes and snatches it away.

The one POSITIVE thing about them going to school is if I end up doing the ECT (electroshock therapy) little one will be in a school with a teacher instead of riding in a car not getting an education.


***disclaimer- still none of it makes me feel better****

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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