Treatment #5

Today was ECT number 5.  I don’t know if I feel any different – well that’s not true- I know that I have much higher anxiety, that I can’t remember hardly anything at all, big one came home talking about French class today and I couldn’t remember that he took French in school.  That’s something that happened long before ECT so it’s obvious that ECT is effecting more than just the current memories I am making- or not making as the case may be.

I guess I can see some differences, but most of them have an explanation- like I haven’t been as irritable with the kids, but 1. I am too tired to be irritable, and 2.  I just don’t have  the energy to be irritated.  It seems to me the those are symptoms of depression.  I don’t know. I was telling my new counselor yesterday that I feel like a faucet was shut off.  Not only do I feel numb much of the time, I am anxious and can’t remember anything.

But I am worried that I won’t know if/when the ECT is working.  I was talking to the Psychiatrist today about how long I have had depression, and if I am being honest I have been depressed on and off most of my life, even as far back as childhood, so would I even know what feeling good feels like?  And when my anxiety is elevated to this level (you know that feeling like before you have to give a big presentation? Or know you are in trouble? That pit in your stomach? I have that 24/7 lately.  And my anxiety is always louder than my depression.  In fact when I was first diagnosed depressed I didn’t believe the doctor, I thought I was just very very anxious with PTSD and OCD, but once I was finally getting my anxiety treated I saw the depression.  And I can tell you right now my anxiety is as high if not higher than it was when I started getting treated for it.  So it’s hard for me to see anything but that.

Well I guess that’s all, I am sure I had more to say but I can’t think of it, and my stomach is doing flip flops so I need to try to distract myself.

Until next time.

Apparently Im Selfish

My sister sent me a text today basically telling me all I do is talk about myself. I can’t tell you how hurt I was- maybe right now I am a little preoccupied – but part of the reason for that is that the last 38 years I haven’t focused on me at all. I’ve spent my life the peacemaker, the one always trying to make everyone else happy, and after a while that’s taken it’s toll. I mean I even called my Dad on Thanksgiving- the only kid who did. All this peacemaking has brought me to where I am.

I told hubby that maybe I’ll die during a procedure then she won’t have to hear about me or it anymore. He said let’s not wish for that… I don’t know I’m feeling so down and no one wants to hear about it except my husband who has to live it- I hate burdening him with it all. He drops his whole life to take me to treatments, he takes care of me.

Growing up my sister was my best friend- we used to talk about everything and anything. She said she is going to “call me out” when I’m being selfish. She doesn’t have time to listen to me repeat myself, and she understands where I am better than most (because she’s a counselor)– if that were true she would understand that the texts she sent destroyed me.

I went to church today- being around all these people made me realize how much I have fortified myself in my own little world at home, it makes me never want to leave my safe zone. My brother wants to come next weekend- now I am thinking it might be better to just wait until I’m done treatments, and then maybe I won’t be such a burden to everyone around me.

I’m seriously considering not going to my sisters for the concert I’m too hurt, and obviously she doesn’t want to know what’s going on with me and she says I only talk about me anyway so she wouldn’t miss me…

I might have some verbal diarrhea here for a while, since I have no one else to talk to….

Sound so DUMB

I reread my post from earlier and I can’t stand my “tone of voice”.  I sound like a stranger to myself.  And I think in some ways I am.  I was just on Pinterest and apparently 6 days ago sent hubby a pin that I don’t recall sending.

I messaged my sister earlier, I am supposed to go to her house in a couple weeks for the weekend.  I told her I wasn’t sure about the entire weekend, and she immediately got pissed at me. Part of it is that I don’t want to miss church during Advent, another part is relying on hubby to move the elves, and little one will miss out on the Lego Advent calendar and big one will get to do it alone.  Not to mention I have to cancel ECT on Friday because I can’t drive for 24hours.  Money is incredibly tight right now, we are still waiting to hear the results of hubby’s appeal for SSDI. And when we get down to it, I am incredibly anxious about driving 4 hours each way alone (with just little one).  I am nervous about everything.  Not being in my own bed, not being with hubby (the one person who keeps me “ok”).  I am nervous about a lot of things. But I didn’t explain all this to her, I just let her express her irritation at me, and tell me that she would be upset if I didn’t come.  I didn’t say I wouldn’t come it was just that I might not stay Friday until Sunday.  Its a lot.  I don’t think she realizes how much preparation it takes for me to leave the house, never mind go a state away, be away from home for 3 days, and miss one of my ECT treatments.

I don’t know why I put all this here, she might read this, and I don’t want her to.  I don’t want to tell her the truth.  I don’t want anyone to know the truth about me.  And the fact remains I don’t want to leave the house most of the time. I stay home as much as I can.  I haven’t been good at keeping in touch with my friends since starting treatments, I pretty much am hiding as best as I can…..

I guess that’s all….

Memory Problems

The memory problems associated with ECT can be quite unnerving.  I picked up my glass 4-cup measuring cup off the counter today and stared at it.  I couldn’t remember where it went.  No matter how long I looked or how hard I tried to remember it was gone, poof.  I had to ask my son where it went.  It seemed like such a stupid question- it’s my kitchen!

It’s so weird to be doing something normal and the memory to be gone.  I wonder if it’ll come back, or if some of my memory will always be gone.

I have had 3 ECT treatments, I don’t really notice much of a difference yet.  But I don’t think I’m expected to, I think I am supposed to have 9-12 treatments.  

My brain doesn’t work as well as it did.  But I think it’s supposed to get better.  It’s taken me a while to write this because my train of thought doesn’t flow like it used to.  But my brain seems to work just fine when I’m having anxiety.  Of course <insert eye roll> I wish that the ECT would make the anxiety go away the way some of my memories have….

I guess that’s all I have to say…. I’m sure there was more I intended to tell you all, but it’s disappeared like my memories.

 

I Don’t Have To React To Everything

Wise wise words- I need to learn

Discovering Your Happiness

Hello loves ❤

I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to hurt those who hurt me. I’m slowly learning that maybe the ultimate sign of maturity is walking away instead of getting even. I’m slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing the other good things in life. I’m slowly learning that I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and I won’t be able to get everyone to treat me the way I want to be treated and that’s okay. I’m slowly learning that trying so hard to ‘win’ anyone is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you with nothing but emptiness.

I’m slowly learning that not reacting doesn’t mean I’m okay with things, it just means I’m choosing to rise above it. I’m choosing to take the…

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ECT #3? I think?

Sorry I’ve been away awhile, ECT is kicking my butt, and I have almost constant headaches and anxiety. I think today was my 3rd ECT. I know they said to expect memory loss but this is crazy. I apparently went to PT yesterday, I apparently was given exercises that I have absolutely no recollection of… I remember some things from yesterday. Then I couldn’t remember if I got hubby a birthday present for tomorrow and if so what it was. Finally I remembered. I still can’t remember some of the things that I got people for Christmas.

Not only does ECT give me memory issues but it gives me a splitting headache. And my anxiety level is through the roof. I hope that it works- because if it works it’ll all be worth it.

Its actually kind of scary to be honest. You go in and they start an IV which always seems to take them 2 sticks, and then you go back to the room, they put electrodes on your foot, your side, your chest, Behind your ears and on your forehead. After that they put and oxygen mask on you, tell you to breathe deeply as they inject your IV first with the stuff to put you to sleep, today it seemed to take a little longer for me to fall asleep and I was afraid I’d be awake but I fell asleep before they gave me the paralytic and the electricity. Then I woke up in recovery missing memories and with a splitting headache.

They gave me ginger ale and graham crackers and once I was wide awake they let me leave.

I have a few days off and back to it on Monday.