That’s how I feel. I decided I couldn’t handle a big Thanksgiving this year, it was just too much – the cooking, the dishes, the family, the stress, did I mention the cooking? Well my 7 year old daughter is devastated. She thinks it’s not thanksgiving if we don’t stay home and mama cooks. I feel guilty, I feel like I should just suck it up and do Thanksgiving. I feel like I am ruining the day for everyone else because of my inability to cope with life. I never thought I would say this, but I miss PollyAnna, I need someone to talk to. I am so lonely. I am tired of laying all my crap on hubby, and I just don’t feel like I need to burden my friends with my continuous stream of consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred and all the other random things I worry about and think about. But I feel so beat down right now.
I went out with 2 of my friends on Friday to see Bad Mom’s Christmas- first of all WOAH I didn’t expect some of that content, and had to go home and pray after that 😉 But we had a good time, except about 6 times during the movie I quietly let tears run down my cheeks. For all different reasons…. relationships with their own mothers vs mine. That they could be so happy. I don’t remember the last time I was truly HAPPY. That’s not true. It was October 2014. It’s gone down hill since then, getting worse day by day.
I pray, constantly, unceasingly like we are called to. I ask God to take this from me. To make me ME again. To as Jesus said “let this cup pass from me”. I do my quiet time every morning. I just feel like I should be able to “pray it away”. After all miracles happen all the time. But it seems that no amount of praying is going to take this from me. I am not me. I am not the mother and wife I want to be. I am not the person I want to be. I want to be able to give my daughter the Thanksgiving she wants. I feel so selfish doing this. I can’t stop the running commentary of guilt in my head, the horrible things I am thinking about myself. That I can’t give her this.
Then tonight, she told me for the first time (of many) I am sure, that I am ruining her life. I know I shouldn’t have let it bother me, or taken it so personally, but that cut me to the quick. Because of everyone in the world her approval and love is what I strive for- probably because it would be the closest thing to me loving me that I will ever experience. I tried to leave the house and run away. I That was just what my mom would have done. But I had to come in and change because I was in my inside clothes and she begged me not to leave – the same thing I used to do to my mom. I immediately put myself in her place and hated myself. She was crying and saying she was sorry. I told her I accepted her apology, but I think this will be a scar we both carry forever, I know I will. I will never forget the look in her eyes- pleading, with big tears, just the same as I used to have. I can’t believe I tried to do that to her. I hate myself so much. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space on earth. I know it sounds dramatic, but I am just so broken. I don’t know what my purpose is, I am a crap mother and wife right now.
There’s really nothing else left to say.