My sister sent me a text today basically telling me all I do is talk about myself. I can’t tell you how hurt I was- maybe right now I am a little preoccupied – but part of the reason for that is that the last 38 years I haven’t focused on me at all. I’ve spent my life the peacemaker, the one always trying to make everyone else happy, and after a while that’s taken it’s toll. I mean I even called my Dad on Thanksgiving- the only kid who did. All this peacemaking has brought me to where I am.
I told hubby that maybe I’ll die during a procedure then she won’t have to hear about me or it anymore. He said let’s not wish for that… I don’t know I’m feeling so down and no one wants to hear about it except my husband who has to live it- I hate burdening him with it all. He drops his whole life to take me to treatments, he takes care of me.
Growing up my sister was my best friend- we used to talk about everything and anything. She said she is going to “call me out” when I’m being selfish. She doesn’t have time to listen to me repeat myself, and she understands where I am better than most (because she’s a counselor)– if that were true she would understand that the texts she sent destroyed me.
I went to church today- being around all these people made me realize how much I have fortified myself in my own little world at home, it makes me never want to leave my safe zone. My brother wants to come next weekend- now I am thinking it might be better to just wait until I’m done treatments, and then maybe I won’t be such a burden to everyone around me.
I’m seriously considering not going to my sisters for the concert I’m too hurt, and obviously she doesn’t want to know what’s going on with me and she says I only talk about me anyway so she wouldn’t miss me…
I might have some verbal diarrhea here for a while, since I have no one else to talk to….