Best year ever?

I was looking on Amazon and tonight or I guess since it’s 2 AM this morning, at planners. I have two planners downstairs for 2018 and I just can’t bring myself to use either of them I don’t like either of them. I like my 2017 planner it had coloring pages, it was spiral-bound, I just liked it.

Then I decided I was going to do bullet journaling. I bought a bullet journal, I’ve watched a ton of YouTube videos have a very large Pinterest board dedicated to bullet journaling, but as the new year grew closer I realized I would never keep up with it, it’s just too much work.

Hence my search tonight on Amazon. And I came across a planner that had “Best Year Ever” on the cover. I stared at it for a long time and just couldn’t wrap my head around it… best year ever? There’s no way. Will it beat 2017? I sure as heck hope so, but best year ever? What about the year I met my husband? Or the year my son was born, or the year my daughter was born?

Why would I buy that? Some people might think it’s thinking positively- but I think it’s setting unrealistic expectations of the coming year that can only serve as another avenue of disappointment.

My goals for 2018 are simple-

1. Make it till 2019

2. Read 52 books

3. Do my quiet time at least 300 times. When I am closer to Jesus, and reading His word, I am a better me.

Well I guess that’s all. This will likely be the last post of 2017, and all I can say as 2017 closes is – “don’t let the door hit you on the way out. ” Let’s hope 2018 is at least marginally better. But if I’m being totally honest I don’t hold a lot of hope- I turn 40 this year. I’m dreading it. My birthdays always suck, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, there is always drama with my father, and my kids are growing up. 2018 brings 15 and 8. I don’t have babies anymore. I’ll never have babies anymore. That part of my life is over- and I’m not ready.

But when I think of 3am feedings, sleepless nights and colic- I remember the bad parts of babyhood… besides I’ve had a hysterectomy- so it’s not in my future. I need to find a life. But I guess I need to figure out my identity first…. I e got a lot of work to do.

On the cusp of 2018….

Here we are days away from a new year…. a fresh start?  I think that’s poppycock.  I will be the same person with the same problems on January 1st that I had on December 31st. I think New Year is just another stupid holiday that makes people set unrealistic expectations of themselves for the next 12 months.  And I admit in the past I have been no different…. some of my previous “resolutions”

I will lose weight

I will lose weight

I will lose 50lbs

I will lose 100lbs

I will work out

I will run a marathon…

And the list could go on and on. Well I tell you right now it’s all a bunch of BS invented by  weight loss companies, exercise equipments companies, the food industry, the gyms….

And I still fall prey to the whole thing.  I’ve been thinking I need a generalized goal – like find joy.  And then the steps I need to take to get to that destination of joy… of course I need to figure out what gives me joy…. and then come up with ways/things that will bring me there.  And to be honest it all sounds like too much work.

Honestly, I think my goal for 2018 is to make it through it.  And the only way to do that is to take it one day at a time.  Do I have goals? Sure.  I want to read more books, I read/listened to 31 this year, I’d like to make it 52 this year. And I would like to try to knit again.  But I am going to put that in the maybe column.  Other than that, I can’t make goals…. because goals like weight loss, exercise, budgeting I always end up failing at, and it makes things worse not better.

Maybe this all sounds like a big ole pity  party, and maybe it is, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately as I have been seeing all these posts about “New Year, New You” on Facebook.  No I won’t magically wake up as someone new on New Years Day, and if I could it would be someone in her 20s, who is thin, without gray/white hair, no mental health issues, happy, comfortable financially – not rich just comfortable, debt free, and ok with who she is… heck know who she is. How’s that for unrealistic.

Blah.  That’s all I can think right now.  I feel like crap.

My Favorite Things?

I have always LOVED to cook and bake. Desserts, breakfasts, dinners, snacks… anything and everything- and I have always been pretty good at it (I’ve been told this I’m not just tooting my own horn). Well about 6 or so month ago I pretty much gave up cooking the meals, and baking- I think last Christmas was the last time I actually baked something.

Cooking has always been a release for me, something I could use to relax and feel good. And it helped me feel good about myself because I was good at it.

Well tonight I made cookies…. Santa is coming so he NEEDS cookies. Well needless to say – it didn’t relax me, I was stressed I would mess it up, use the wrong amounts of an ingredient or something. I checked and rechecked the directions of one of the recipes I’ve made a thousand times. I used to be able to make it in my sleep… except for that one Christmas I was pregnant and forgot to put the sugar in LOL but that’s another tale for another day…

Tonight they came out crappy. They look terrible. Hubby just came through the kitchen and sniffed and said “what’s that smell? That’s a weird smell”. Thanks Babe for making me feel better (of course he has no idea that I’m upset in the first place so maybe that’s not fair… and he tried one and said it was good but it’s not up to my standards. They are UGLY.

Maybe it’s that I’m out of practice? Or the new oven’s convection setting? Maybe it’s the gluten free flour I substituted in? (Except I’ve done that before and they came out fine) Or maybe it’s that I just can’t do things I used to do.

Cooking is no longer one of my favorite things. I’m scared to try knitting again and see how I mess that up.

See – ugly. I certainly don’t want to present them on a platter. 😢

Are you kidding me?

Little one and I have had a cold since last Sunday.  No big deal, I have very little voice, not as stuffed up as I was and no sore throat.  Good deal.  Little one isn’t as snotty I thought she was on the mend… but tonight after I put her to bed…. I heard it… the telltale sound of vomit hitting the hard wood floor. Awesome.  3 days before Christmas, the night before we are to see Disney on Ice.  Thank goodness I didn’t tell little one we were going.

I swear if the rest of us get the pukes I will know the universe is against us 😦 I know probably sounds like I am being a little dramatic, but I am just so tired of 2017, and 2016 sucked, as did 2015 and 2014.  So yeah…..

I am just sick of my life.  Sick of being poor, sick of worrying about money constantly, sick of fighting for what my special needs children need, sick of dealing with narcissistic family members, sick of being in pain, sick of my husband being sick and in pain, sick of dealing with a mentally ill child who has violent outbursts, sick of dealing with a mother in law who hates me, sick of being a disappointment to everyone in my life, sick of being anxious, sick of OCD, sick of depression….

And if it weren’t bad enough- little one asked me today when I was going to be skinny like I was when daddy and I got married, because Im sort of bigger now.  She was at least trying to be nice about it.

Sorry – just having a pity party over here….

 

This is no way to live….

Since sending my kids back to school things have definitely been different around here.  Little one loves school, it’s perfect for her- she’s so social, and so eager to learn.  She’s made more progress in the past couple months than I was able to make with her most of last year, mainly because big one took so much of my attention and time.

Big One however, seems to hate school.  He feels like he’s getting bullied by everyone, and works so hard to hold himself together all day then comes home and is verbally aggressive to myself, my husband, and his worker.  Today he was so angry that after an hour of ranting and screaming- using profanity, and being completely disrespectful, he slammed our glass door hard enough to break some of the panes- thankfully he didn’t.  But then he kicked the baby gate we have at the bottom of the stairs so many times he broke one of the rungs.

Tonight’s outburst was brought to you by Circle By Disney.  He is extremely angry that we are using internet security and protections.  And we are closing the loopholes of him getting more time than he is supposed to have in a day. We haven’t changed anything, or taken anything away we are just making sure the internet is safe, and that your time limits are respected.

I had to give him his as needed medication because he was out of control.  I hate doing that. But I didn’t have a choice.  I also sent a letter to his counselor for any advice he has. I can’t live like this for the next 4 years.  And I don’t have a lot of hope of it getting any better because this same behavior happened when he was in school for K-3.

However, bringing him back home to homeschool isn’t an option either. Him being here all day wasn’t a life that was good for any of us either.  It’s no wonder I am depressed and anxious all the time. I am living with a mentally ill child- and it’s making me even more crazy than I was to begin with.

A Homeschool Drop-out

Sending the children to public school, and no longer homeschooling is still smarting almost 3 months later.  I don’t know what bothers me the most about it- is it that I miss my kids?  Maybe- though there was a lot of fighting me, arguing, and stress while they were home.  Is it that I worry about their safety at school – both physically and morally? Definitely.  There is so much to worry about- bullies, mean teachers, unspeakable acts of violence.  But I think some of the hurt is vanity.  I failed.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t teach little one to count by 5’s or 10’s (which she does beautifully now), I couldn’t teach her to read- she’s getting there slowly- since her eyes are starting to work together better (she has convergence insufficiency).  And I know that’s probably why I couldn’t teach her, and big one, I had dreams of doing algebra together…. hopes of handing him his diploma myself.  It’s about me, and my own fear of failure coming true.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe.  But I also miss my homeschool “tribe”.  I know they say that we are still friends but it’s different, I feel like I don’t fit in with them anymore.  Im sure if they were reading this they would tell me I am wrong, but our feelings are our own.  And it’s like I tell people about my son.  Perception is reality.  So if he believes he’s being bullied even if he isn’t it’s his reality and it needs to be addressed.  The same goes for me- my perception is that I don’t fit into the homeschool tribe so therefore it’s my reality. Could I find a new tribe of public school moms? Maybe, probably, but I don’t want to.  I don’t like making new friends it’s too risky, and anxiety provoking. and I want my old friends.

Maybe this was a little “out there” post, a little bit of a pity party, but it’s my party and I can cry if I want to.

I need to vent….

If you don’t like what I put on my Amazon wishlist, if you don’t like the things that I WANT, then don’t buy off of it. Don’t complain about it, don’t get upset, just buy me the clothes you are going to buy me anyway.  Or better yet- just don’t buy me anything at all- I don’t care. I am sick of spending holidays with you anyway.  I am sick of the belittling comments, the things you say under your breath, the way you degrade me, and the way you judge me, my parenting, my decisions.  I wish I had the ability to tell you that you aren’t welcome in my home this year. I need a break from you and your bad attitude.