Haven’t Posted….

I know it’s been a while since I posted, things have been pretty crappy around here if I am completely honest.

I went through 6 or 8 ECT procedures- let’s just say THAT SUCKED.  I mean really really bad. It has made my anxiety WAY worse, my blood pressure has been elevated, my resting pulse is around 100.  I have had headaches and nausea.  It was way worse on days I had the ECT done, it was so bad they had to put meds in my IV to try to prevent these things before they happened- but it didn’t really help.

But the worst part of all of it (besides the increased anxiety because that’s really really bad I feel like I am dying sometimes), is what it has done to my brain.  My memory has been severely effected, and I struggle with word retrieval.  Sometimes when I am talking I have to ask people to be patient with me because I have to look for the word that I am wanting to use.

And what’s worse is that it didn’t help my depression at all. I am really feeling like there is very little hope left that I will ever get better. I feel like this is as good as it gets.

And this time of year money is always an issue, but it’s worse so with hubby out of work. And yesterday proved even more that he can’t work.  We got about an inch and a half of snow and he used a shovel to push it like a plow on about 1/3 of our (not very big driveway) and his back was killing him.  We are waiting on the an appointment for an EMG at a neurologist and the results of that to send to social security in hopes that he will get approved for his appeal.  If not we will have to get a lawyer. And since money is so tight it’s a credit card Christmas, and we have had to put some incidentals on cards too because we have been spending so much on gas to get to and from appointments.  Starting in January we are going to work hard to pay down our debt and hopefully he will get approved for disability and we will be ok.

I have been struggling with self esteem lately.  I have been convinced that none of my friends like me anymore.  I am eating like crap, and need to work on that.

I cry all the time.  I never used to cry and now I cry several times a day.  It sucks to be this sad all the time.

I did take little one to my sister’s house this weekend and we did some fun things.  I felt good to know that I did something with little one. I feel like because of my issues the kids haven’t gotten to do many of the fun things that we usually do this time of year.

Well I guess that’s all, my brain isn’t working well, and I am exhausted. Until next time, and hopefully it won’t be so long next time.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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