Ugh

I’m going on vacation with my brother and his son and my kids, Tues thru Friday. We are going to an indoor water park. I have been avoiding the thought about wearing a bathing suit until tonight. I bought one at the beginning of summer, and didn’t wear a single time.

Now I live in a cold climate, so shaving my legs is not always a priority… But that’s something I’m going to have to tackle before Tuesday.

I also figured I better try on my bathing suit since I’ve gained a bunch of weight since buying said bathing suit, I’m happy to report that it still fits- However I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I looked in the mirror. Here is an artists rendering of how I looked…

Except I am wearing a one piece bathing suit.

I have never been this big in my life, some of it is medication related, some of it is being laid up and not allowed to do exercises due to various injuries. But if I’m honest I eat like crap, and I could be doing better but I just don’t try. Food and shopping or my drugs of choice when I can’t cut. Food and shopping make me feel better for a little while and then realization hits, And I’m worse off than I started and I hate myself more than when I started. But I can’t stop, it’s like I don’t have control. I don’t know why I’m even saying all this I guess I just needed to get it out of my head to stop the narrative but I don’t think it’ll stop.

Author: thethingswehideinside

Im an almost 40 year old mom struggling through this life with two children, a husband, a houseful of animals. We all have mental or physical challenges that make daily life even harder, this is our journey.

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